3/8/09

Mama bird and her two babies

The funny thing about having a non-anonymous blog is that when people that know and love you read it, they can sometimes get upset or confused. Confused by what you've said (or not said) about them, about how you are choosing to express yourself. Upset because you are sharing feelings and thoughts with the interwebs that you haven't fully shared with them.

My last post (which some of you may have seen, or can still see if you read this blog through a Reader, but I took down after rereading it and talking with CG about it) was a little.... sad and bitter and sarcastic. Unfortunately, it included phrases like "impending doom" when referring to Lima Bean (and our upcoming move to Virginia) and upon reflection, I realized that kind of post wasn't something I really wanted to put out there for eternity.

I struggle with how, and how much, to share my current feelings, which are  a potent mix of apprehension, fear, and excitement. I'm exhausted, feeling sick again, stressed out about putting our house on the market in a few short weeks and all of these things add up to me wishing I could put the brakes on this whole second baby thing, to space out all this change a bit more. I desperately want to be simply excited, THRILLED about Lima Bean joining our family. Unfortunately, any excitement that's there is often hidden behind the stress and fear of how this will all work out.

If Maya Angelou were to see me now, she'd see Hope and Fear on my porch, with me entertaining both of them. Neither has been invited to stay.

I want to reveal my excitement, to revel in HOPE and dispel my fears. For someone who lives so much in the future, in planning and worrying about what will be, this is a challenge for me. I must be present, even when "being here now" is as overwhelming as imagining what will be in the future.

I'm working on it. One day at a time.

Every day I gaze at this new print (by Joom) on my bureau and smile at the image of a mama bird and her TWO baby birds. That will be me. Very soon. And I have to have faith in myself, in the ever patient and loving CG, in joyful Zoe, in my supportive family and friends, that, together, we can do this. That even though I don't know how it'll all work out, it will.

It will all work out.

7 comments:

Joanna said...

I was terrified about the second one too. I didn't have the same daydreams about blissfully napping in each others arms, making homemade gourmet dinners every night, or even going back to work full-time again. But do you remember, in the beginning with the first, having those moments where you think, how am I going to do ALL the things that need to be done to raise this child? And you just figured out a way to do it? It is the same with the second. It is still overwhelming, but you just do it and get through it and after awhile I couldn't remember what it was like to have just one. I hope this is not too advice-y, I just remember those feelings.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Not too advice-y at all Joanna. Thank you for your words. Seriously. I'm so tired of hearing everyone tell me how EXPONENTIALLY harder it is to have two kids etc. Your words are WAY more comforting, to say the least!

desperate housewife said...

My mom had my sister and I seventeen months apart. Immediately following Rachel's birth, they moved three times within the year. One of the moves was an interim house, which was actually just her grandparents' old cottage on the lake and was so tiny that my sister's and my cribs took up our entire bedroom. But she always just laughs when I ask her how she survived. "You just take one day at a time!" Which, really, is all anyone ever does. But sometimes that's easier said than done, I know. And from one worrier and fretter to another, I send big hugs! It WILL work out.

Hillary said...

I had a grammar teacher who would scold students for using the word anxious when referring to the anticipation of something pleasant. Anxiety is about worry, she'd say, the word you want is eager.

But I think anxious is a great word to describe waiting for ANY kind of change, good and bad. Something can be wonderful -- like a new baby or a move you know is good for your family -- and still cause worry.

There's no shame in feeling a little anxious.

Swistle said...

I saw the other post, and it didn't alarm me. We moved when I was in my third trimester with my second child. I getcha.

I love that Joom print. I looked for one with five baby birds but no go.

Also, you will totally think I am lying and I SWEAR I AM NOT: my word verification word is "renest." REALLY. It is renest. Like moving and building a new nest. Like rearranging the nest to accommodate a second little birdie. Is this word verification thing like the Google ad thing that selects ads based on subject matter or something?

Erin said...

Like you & Joanna, I was FREAKED OUT before my second was born. As it turned out, I enjoyed my second's babyness so much more than I had enjoyed by first. I knew what we were in for, which is why I was so anxious about it. But I was way better prepared for the reality of having a baby in the house. I know you will do great. And I don't think there's anything wrong about being honest about the fact that it's HARD and that can be downright scary.

Astarte said...

I just read your last post through my reader, and I have to say it didn't seem negative to me, just honest. Let me tell you, I was so scared about my second baby being as awful as Josie had been that I literally didn't allow myself to think past being pregnant and delivery. I was so in denial that I was, in a way, shocked when an actual BABY came out of me. I know that sounds idiotic, but it's true; Josie screamed for the better part of her first year of life for one reason or another, and I was petrified of what another year of that would do to me, my marriage, and to Josie, who was then three. Neither child was planned, although of course both were wanted, and I think that contributed to my denial. Anyway, it's OK to be worried and negative sometimes, and I know that you also know deep down that everything will be fine. You will all have each other, no matter where you go, and that will make it all right. Even if New Baby screams for a year, the year will end and you will have lived through it and be OK.

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