Like all mothers, I keep losing track of things. Between running my life and caring for this newly mobile, ever changing toddler, I can barely keep some clothes clean, sections of floor dry and a few scraps of food in the fridge. With my attention always divided, I find myself walking into rooms without knowing what I came there for, stopping mid-sentence in search of a once-favorite, now-lost adjective, and wandering through the house looking for keys, sunglasses, purses, etc. Nothing new, right?
Well, I am also losing track of the big things. Like this- I weaned Z sometime last week. Or maybe she weaned herself. I'm not sure which. All I know is that she's not nursing any more and my boobs have finally stopped producing milk and it's all a little odd. I wasn't exactly expecting a big ceremony with balloons and speeches or anything ("We have gathered here today to celebrate the juice of the boob...."). But I did expect it to be a bigger deal. An EVENT of some kind. I battled through all those long nursings in the beginning, crying and sweating and cursing through the pain. Surely I should mark this occasion somehow. A proclamation from me the night before and tears from her the next morning. A lot of tears and reading of weaning guidebooks and gut-wrenching decisions from me, for sure. Whispered goodbyes to my infant and a kiss hello on the forehead of my toddler. Something.
Instead, sometime last week, Z started pushing me away at her usual early morning nursing. Since I was half asleep I sort of forced her to nurse then later thought "Why am I forcing this?". So the next day I just stumbled into her room, sleepily cuddled her, gave her her pacifier and lay her back down. And the day after that, she didn't wake up for her early morning nursing. And then we were packing and leaving and here we are in Vermont in the lake house and my folks just left and so much is going on and..... we're not nursing anymore. And she's fine. And I'm not even sure what day we stopped.
Even in my best attempts to keep track of things, I am lost. Life is moving fast and so is Z. I want to slow it down or at least pay attention. Paying attention and being present always feels so difficult.
Pay attention, Mama. Pay attention.
1 comment:
Don't be too hard on yourself CBHM. Most moms and babies would love weaning to be so easy. Count yourself lucky it wasn't traumatic for Miss Zoe. As for wondering where your baby girl went, that I can't help you with. I am shocked and saddened by it daily. Though also excited for what is to come... You are doing great! :)
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