Perfect is the enemy of good. "Good" is the enemy of... girls?

Dear Z,

When I was 22, I lived in Maine, ran a bed and breakfast, and completely freaked out about what to do with my life. I met this amazing woman who I count as one of my life's most important teachers. The phrases she used to toss off: "What if you are good enough, right now.", "Take what's offered you." and "Perfect is the enemy of good" were all revelatory to me at the time because I was such a "good girl". I wanted to keep myself loved and safe by being perfectly easy and helpful and making everyone else happy. Not only did this not work but it resulted in my unhappiness, crummy self-esteem and some crappy one-sided relationships. Not to mention the side effects of all the "first batch are never good enough to serve" pancakes that I ate at the bed and breakfast.

So here I am trying to be a "good enough mother". The one who makes mistakes and learns from them. The one who models how to make amends, fix what I mess up and move on from disappointment, even when it's disappointment in myself. The one who hopes that this is enough. The one who hopes that you grow to be a more resilient and confident girl than I was.

Recently, my parenting ed class has been talking about Noel Janis-Norton's use of reflective listening in parenting. We are told we shouldn't praise you with "good girl!" or "good job!" because these phrases are empty, external rewards that fail to build real self-esteem. Instead, we should "descriptively praise" you with statements that are truthful, specific and positive like "you walked up the steps all by yourself!". At first it felt so difficult not to say "good job!" when you did something like stack a block for the first time. But it's starting to make more sense to me.

I don't know if this will magically give you self confidence but it seems right and true. I don't want you to think you have to be perfect or good all the time. I want you to know that "good enough" is enough. That you are enough.