Top Ten True-life Toddler Travelling Tips

1. When you make your reservation and say to yourself: "This looks like a good schedule for Toddler. If everything's on time." realize that you are damning yourself to every delay known to man. (First we sat on the plane for an hour and a half, on the tarmac at LAX because of United's computer meltdown. Once airborne, we were informed that it was a system-wide failure with all flights being delayed so we assumed that we wouldn't miss our connection as it must be delayed as well, right?- Do I even have to say- WRONG. Our connection left at the exact time that we landed which left us stranded in the crowded airport for 4 hours waiting for the next flight. Which was then, of course, DELAYED 2 hours. When we finally got to the Burlington airport, we watched as all the passengers filed out with their bags while waiting in vain for the two bags that contain our toiletries and all my clothes. We left the house at 5:30 am California time and finally got to our lovely lake house at 2 am the next day. )
2. Toddler, even a scheduled, regular-nap-taking toddler, will not spontaneously combust if she doesn't take her regular naps.
3. Even though your scheduled toddler will not spontaneously combust if kept from napping, she WILL melt down into a schizophrenic drunk version of herself. She will spin in circles, looking down at her feet and cackling like a loon. She will vacillate between tearfully flailing her arms, slithering in your arms, staring blankly into space and laughing at nothing in particular. If you try to feed her, she will alternate between shoving the food away as if you offered her a plate of poop and grabbing it by huge handfuls and shoving it lustily into her gaping maw.
4. Trying any and all ways to get toddler to sleep: on you as you lie prostrate on the uncomfortably molded airport seats, strapped to your chest in the Ergo while you walk endless loops, covered by a blanket in the stroller, or on a coat on the floor behind the suitcases, will all be to no avail because the laws of the universe have mandated that as soon as Toddler starts to nod off, loud ringing will blast through the PA system followed by an over-amped, abrasive voice telling you about someone else's gate change/flight cancellation/passenger page. If repeatedly waking someone just as they are starting to fall asleep is considered torture then I would say Z has a case against that damned PA system that she can take all the way to a UN tribunal.
5. Buying a seat and strapping toddler into their carseat for the entirety of the flight is SO worth it. Especially when their pee decides to leak out of their diaper. Hey, at least it's not on your lap!
6. Bringing toys and books is great. But so is turning on and off the overhead lights repeatedly. "That's right! That's the LIGHT!"
7. After playing with the overhead light for twenty minutes (and probably seriously pissing off the people behind you), two plastic cups, two straws and some wadded up paper napkins make for all kinds of fun. A ridiculously easy shell game! Large and soft spit balls! The world famous "catch-the-wadded-up-paper-napkin-in-your-cup" game!
8. There is at least one baby friendly flight attendant on every airplane. They will seek you out and smile. Avoid all other flight attendants. Especially if, oh say, you want to pass off a dirty diaper that you just changed on the floor by your seat.
9. Do not order garlic fries while waiting on your incredibly long layover. Your tired, cranky toddler will want some. Then your tired, cranky husband will tell you you have garlic breath. Then you will be tired and cranky.
10. When you get to your destination, take a long, hot shower, drink a glass of water, pray for everyone to sleep, and whatever you do, do not project into the future about how it's all going to go on the way home.