Stick a Fork in Us?

We're done having babies. Really done.

We know this. We've been in agreement for a long time. Two kids and done. I'm approaching 40, I don't multi-task well, we feel settled with our two girls, we want to travel overseas as a family. We're done.

So why am I suddenly craving a baby? (And chocolate. And a nap. But mostly, a baby.)

At almost two, E's non-baby-ness is pretty hard to ignore. She's repeating words and phrases, speaking in sentences, insisting on dressing, buckling, zipping BY SELF. She sits tall and heavy on my hip or walks at a good clip beside me. I no longer have to stoop to one side to hold her hand or slow my pace at all. Sometimes I have to speed up to stay with her.

She's also fond of standing on top of things. Any thing. Every thing.

It is no secret that I love babies. Newborns with their sleepy, fuzzy sweetness, three month olds that greet you with full-face smiles and an earth-shattering whole body wiggle, six month olds who are discovering their fingers! and TOES!, I love them all.

But I declare to anyone who will listen that 8 months is my all time favorite age. Eight month olds giggle like it's their job, usually sleep decently, and are mobile but not TOO mobile. Their personality blossoms right before your eyes. I could hold and sniff and kiss 8 month olds for the rest of my life.

Z, 8 months old.

E, 8 months old.

I have to keep reminding myself that 8 month olds turn into 3 year olds at a frustratingly unstoppable rate.

Some acquaintances here with babies toddlers E's age are pregnant again or already have a new baby. After listening to my unearthly squeals over a baby at the playground the other day, Z asked me if I will change my mind and have another baby one day. I told her no but I didn't exactly sound convincing. To anyone.

Not fair to ask me when I am holding a sweet smelling baby, Z! NOT FAIR.

I didn't always know I would love babies. Before Z was born I had very limited experience with them. So I was a little surprised by the sudden, overwhelming love I felt for Z when she was born. But I was truly shocked that it was possible to love another baby like that, like I instantly did the moment E was born.

It's a dangerous thing to love E like I do, to have felt my heart expand and grow in the way it immediately did when she was born. The love I feel for her whispers a wild secret to me: as many as you'd have, that's how many you would love like this.

This just might be how Duggars are made.

We live in a small town/exurb/nowheresville which means that most people who move here do so because they have families or want some space or both. (And possibly, because they are just dying to drive an hour and a half into DC every day.) Large families are much more common here than in the LA area where we moved from. I've heard the various conjectures about why this is:

It's self-selecting; people who want more kids move to places like our town to live.

Or

There isn't much to do out here except make more babies to hang out with your kids and your neighbors and your neighbors' kids. It's not like you're missing out on some serious local nightlife by having a big family. It's not like you can't afford to eat in the plethora of 4 star restaurants or shop in the chic boutiques on every corner. What's one more soccer uniform? What's one more pigtailed stick figure sticker on the back of your minivan?

I found this on a Google image search. I kinda love it.

I guess there could be some grain of truth in both of those explanations. Mostly I hear the truth deep within the friends who are pregnant with their third (and fourth): people have instinctive desires for a certain size family, a certain number of children, and they don't always know ahead of time what that number is. That deep need for another child ("craving" sounds so crass but what other word is there?) must be fed or quelled, somehow.

Whatever the reason is, there is something about living here that makes have a larger family seem possible, desirable, normal.

But to be clear, I don't think it's peer pressure that stokes my babymania; it's my baby turning into a NOTBABY that started a baby craving deep in my belly. It's the baby-loving part of me that I suspect would feel that way no matter how many kids I have.

I do feel like our family is complete. I don't feel like there's someone missing, some baby out there I'm waiting to meet. That helps me stay settled, use birth control, write this blog post.

But to know I would love another baby this much is hard to ignore. To say goodbye to ever holding another baby of my own in my arms is just plain old SAD.

Anyone have an 8 month old they'd like to loan out for a few days?