The Clueless But Hopeful Co. regrets to announce the discovery of a sudden acceleration problem in its latest model, the 2009 E seen here:
Customers report numerous speed related incidents with the 2009 E, often causing damage to people and/or property (not to mention psyches). Reports indicate that normal crawling was in effect until one day, without warning, it seems the accelerator got stuck. This model not only accelerates suddenly but also instinctively, immediately, finds the most dangerous direction in which to do so.
Anecdotal reports also include the 2009 E suddenly being able to reach previously unreachable items such as the video monitor camera, the inside of the toilet bowl and the top of the dinner table. A gleeful cackling sound often emanates from the 2009 E during the acceleration episodes. Customers are advised to listen for, and heed, this sound, though total silence does not BY ANY MEANS indicate safety.
Unfortunately, there does not appear to be a fix for this problem at this time. Customers are advised to keep careful watch over the 2009 E for their safety and the safety of others.