Remember Maslow's hierarchy of needs from Psych 101? Well, it appears they've revamped it, replacing "self actualization", the realization of our creative and intellectual potential, with "mate acquisition", "mate retention" and "parenthood" at the tip top of the pyramid. Does this unfairly exclude single and/or childless people from the most esteemed echelons of life? Does every creative and intellectual impulse ultimately serve the master of the evolutionary drive to procreate?
Does life's ultimate purpose really boil down to parenthood?
This has been sticking in my craw since I first read about the revamping of the pyramid in the New York Times Sunday Magazine. As I wrestle with my own questions about what I should do with my life, I keep coming back to motherhood, because it's where I am, it's what defines my days and, LORD HELP ME, too many of my nights. Like the good little suburban cliche that I am, I've "always wanted to be a mother". But looking back on my early desire for motherhood, it clearly had more to do with pure baby lust than an actual conscious choice to responsibly parent another human being for the rest of my life. It probably had a whole lot to do with an evolutionary drive that screamed out "OMG! Baby toes! Eat them!" and "Do they make baby head perfume? Because THEY SHOULD" among other, even less seemly, things.
Then, sometime in my late twenties, right around the time I broke up with a guy who was no good for me and took up with someone who actually liked me for me, as I was, warts (figurative!) and all, I also started thinking more intently about why I'm here, what my purpose in life was. And, since I didn't have an obvious calling, religious or career-wise, I just didn't have an answer. So I bided my time, dancing because I loved it, teaching Pilates and massaging backs because it paid the bills, not really sure what I was doing in a larger sense but content enough to wait for my purpose, the meaning of my life, to find me.
Until motherhood.
Because motherhood hit me like a ton of messy, confusing bricks and I still haven't made sense of its impact on my identity, four and half years in. How can I be a mother AND be all these other things I want to be at the same time? Is being a mother my only true purpose in life? How can I focus on being anything else (a physical therapist, the long-time pipe dream, or a writer of some kind, the newest what-have-you-been-smoking-in-that-pipe dream) when I often feel overwhelmed with this one job I already have?
I'm reading "What Should I Do With My Life?" by Po Bronson and though I can safely say it's not exactly answering its own title's question for me, I love reading about how different people search for meaning and purpose. We all want the same things, no matter how different our choices and journeys. I want what everyone else does: to make an impact on the world, to change my corner of it for the better. I want my life to mean something. I want to leave something good behind when I'm gone. Something bigger, better than me.
Are my girls those "good things"? Is it unfair, not to mention unhealthy, to think about your children this way?
Like it or not, on purpose or not, for ill or for good, motherhood instantly made my life about something other than me. It meant I would leave something behind. It means my life has already had a profound effect. Motherhood intrinsically means I matter. Now it's up to me to make sure that my impact on my children is a positive one. Because I will live on through them, and through all the people they touch.
(No pressure!)
But I also search for other ways to matter. I know that soon enough I will not be so utterly consumed by the strains of motherhood and, without belittling the importance of mothering well, I want to add more than just my procreative and mothering self to the world.
I'll just come right out and say it: new pyramid be damned, I want self-actualization.
12 comments:
Me too. Excellent post.
As one who has elected NOT to have children, I am naturally quite offended by this study. I spent a number of years and a great deal of thought, emotion, self-doubt, questioning, you name it- to come to my decision, and I'm very much at peace with it. I don't think that I have any less fulfilling a life than my friends who have children. In fact, I truly believe that I would be much less happy, even possibly UNhappy, if I had children. I have other childless friends who would say similar things.
Psychologist me says: wow, that takes BALLS to "revamp" Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, and I wonder how far it will go/how long it will stick around. The scientist in me is irritated we can't get to the actual study (is there one?) and I would love to see their methods. Who's to say that having children isn't just one form of self-actualization, or perhaps one possible path to take on the way to self-actualization, after all?
I love what you said about motherhood making your life instantly about something other than you. I get so self-absorbed sometimes that I forget that. I am supposed to guide my children into becoming the best that they can be in the little "selves" that they already are. I can tell from talking to my own mother that this endeavor is definitely fulfilling, but at the end of the day, I want self-actualization too.
I love my kids. I believe having them is one of the most important parts of my life. But I don't think it's healthy to invest so much of my self-worth in their being "good things." Beyond the fact that there is only so much I can control about their lives, it's not healthy for them to be that important to me. That's just too much stress, too much expectation.
I love my kids. I believe having them is one of the most important parts of my life. But I don't think it's healthy to invest so much of my self-worth in their being "good things." Beyond the fact that there is only so much I can control about their lives, it's not healthy for them to be that important to me. That's just too much stress, too much expectation.
I always wanted to be a mom too. I had a hard time with my higher education b/c what I really wanted was to get married and have a baby, but I was too ashamed slash feminist to admit it to myself of anyone else. However, I too had the "babylust", not the desire to parent a human for the rest of my life. I've grown to love that part too, but it wasn't what drove me to desire children.
Also, what the EFF? They can't just CHANGE Maslow's hierarchy of needs! That pyramid is the basis of my brief foray into psychology! Let's protest.
i hear ya. I've had that Bronson book in my nightstand drawer, UNREAD, for YEARS. hmmmmmm.....
Say what? Are they seriously changing self-actualization? I find that so confusing. Certainly for many, even most of us, parenthood and partnership are incredibly important and a huge part of learning about ourselves on our path to self-actualization but if they are the pinnacle, then what is the point of self-examination at all? So confused.
I've been pondering the same things lately. I'm on an open-ended hiatus from my career since #2 was born. And with all this time away, I'm realizing my heart truly is here, with my kids. I have no desire to return to the career that I invested so much time, energy, blood, sweat and tears (and MONEY) in. So, now I'm lost. I really question my identity on a day to day basis. I don't want to end up like my mom... after her mothering "career" was over, she had nothing and has been struggling ever since.
As someone who has acquired and retained (for a short while, anyway) a mate and is about to become a parent, I'm as offended as Belinda. I've chosen to do all 3 of those things, but I resent the idea that if my choices had been different, which it was for quite a while and could have continued to be, I wouldn't have made it to the top of the pyramid. WTF?
The pyramid was always kinda sketchy. If it were true, then people living with poverty would not be concerned with creativity, or, according to the pyramid even ABLE to be creative, and that is patently false. The quilters of Gee's Bend and Grnadma Moses being two of my favorite examples.
Thank you so much for putting this into words so beautifully.
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