2/6/13

The enormity of it all

Z came home Monday and told me about a lockdown drill they had in her first grade class that morning. The children were instructed to crouch silently on the floor against the wall by the coats "so that the robbers couldn't see or hear us and come and rob us."

I wanted to write about the conversation we had at bedtime about "bad guys" and why people do terrible things but I didn't know where to start or how to end it or what to do with the heartbreak in the middle. The post didn't work because I didn't know how to process it, couldn't get my head and heart around the enormity of it all.

Today, I paid many benjamins to replace all four tires on my car, found out my one credit card was compromised and summarily cancelled, and discovered, during a visit to the pediatrician that included one girl having to be physically restrained just to get a swab in her throat and the other girl tumbling off the exam table, bonking her head and then peeing all over me - that both my girls have strep throat for the THIRD TIME THIS MONTH.

I tried to write a funny post about today. It didn't work.

It didn't work because the backdrop to all these frustrations and challenges is the fact that my dad has transitioned to hospice care. He is home now, semi-lucid, losing his battle with cancer.

Tomorrow, I drive to New Jersey to see my dad, most likely for the last time. I can't imagine what I will say or do besides sit there and cry. I can't comprehend how to even begin to look at this reality through my red, swollen eyes.


This reality, so much of it, is not what I wish it to be.

22 comments:

Doing My Best said...

Oh, J! I can't even imagine =(. So much love to you and your family!!! (hugs)

Jessica said...

That is so much to be going through. I'm so sorry. Thinking of all of you. For the big things and the little, I'm thinking of you.

Emily said...

I'm so sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Ginger said...

I'm so sorry. There's entirely too much enormity there, and I'm sorry you are having to deal with it all. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Ann Wyse said...

Enormity sounds like the perfect description. I've been thinking of you lots in your recent silence - and I'll be sending good thoughts your way while you feel your way through this. You are not alone.

Therese said...

Oh honey I am so so sorry. I'm sorry about the uselessness and scariness of the lock-down drill. I'm sorry your babies are sick. And I'm so sorry about your father. I don't know you, but please believe me, I had to say goodbye to both my folks at bad times in my life; I am so sorry. You are excused from being funny until you decide to use it as a coping mechanism. Does that help?

beyond diapers said...

What everyone else said. Lots of love headed your way.

Amy said...

Oh man. Thinking of you.

shannon said...

So so sorry you are going through so much. So much all at once. Each one of those things alone is too much. You'll be in my thoughts...

d e v a n said...

I'm so sorry.

k said...

I've just been thinking a lot about you. I'm sorry for what Life is dealing out right now.

B said...

I am so so sorry. I couldn't help tearing up reading this post. It is all too much. Way too much. Wishing you a meaningful and satisfying (is that the right word?) visit with your dad, and for everything else to just get better.

breathofsunshine said...

I have been reading your blog for a long time. In fact, it is probably my favorite email. Although I rarely (if ever) comment, your blog always resonates deep with me.

In January I lost both my father-in-law and my aunt (who was a best friend) to cancer. There is nothing I can say or you can do to prepare yourself for what you are going through. Based on your character, I have no doubt you will get through this chapter of life with grace.

Hugs to you! It is a hard road. The emotions are raw and the spill over to every aspect of life. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

Shalini said...

Oh, I want to give you a great big hug, but since I can't do that, just know that I'll be thinking about you. A lot.

twisterfish said...

Oh sweet lady -- thinking of you and sending you peaceful thoughts and calming vibes.

Sarah said...

I am sending you all my love and sympathy. And wishes for all the little graces that can possibly come to a person at a time like this, be it a hug or a hot bath or a good night's sleep. You will need them all to help cope right now, I'm sure. I'm so sorry for all the extra frustrating crap at such an already painful time.
And big hugs your mom, too.

CharlieSue said...

Oh! I'm so sorry. I am thinking of you and your family SO MUCH and sending you good thoughts and long-distance hugs.

momof3 said...

I am so sorry, that dosen't seem to be enough, does it? I have been through 2 parents deaths and I wish I had some words of wisdom or comfort for you, but unfortunately I don't. It sucks!! The next two years will probably be so difficult for you and will hit when you are least expecting it. I am glad that you are able to take this time to say good bye and that you're other half is able to take care of your babies while you try to take care of yourself and your mom. I am thinking of you.

Rebecca said...

I am so very, very sorry for your father's illness. Explaining why these terrible illnesses happen is like explaining why people would want to do bad things or hurt small children: impossible. You are in my prayers.

Cortney said...

Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs and comfort.

Sam said...

I lost my dad to smoking. It's going to be so hard. I know you can make it through this. My only advice is to take pictures. It will help some day. If you need to vent to someone who has been there I am here. *hugs*

GratefulTwinMom said...

I'm so sorry, J. Sending you warm hugs.

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