Monday 5:08 pm.
"STOOOOOP! NO!! MO-OM! She's taking my ball!"
"Z, your sister was using that ball. Please give it back."
"NO! I want a turn! She always gets what she wants! I never do!"
"I'm sorry to hear you feel that way at the moment but you still need to give your sister back her ball and if you want a turn, just ask her."
"Thanks Z, now please turn off the TV and come to dinner."
"NO! Why doesn't Eliza ever have to turn off the TV? I ALWAYS do. She NEVER does. It's NOT FAIR. I have to do EVERYTHING. THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!"
Really? The worst day ever? Of all the horrible things that can befall humanity, me making you give back something you took from your sister and turn off our plasma TV is THE WORST?
I don't even know where to start with that.
Monday 7:38 pm
"I want to drink my mouthrinse from the bottle!"
"No Z, that could spread germs. That's why we always use a cup."
"But I don't like using a cup! I want to drink it like this and I'm going to and you can't make me and..."
I grab her forearm, stopping the bottle on its trajectory to her lips. I grab fast and hard. Too fast, too hard. She freezes, eyes wide for just a moment before she begins to cry. I let go, say I'm sorry and hand her a cup.
I know these fits aren't really about the ball or the tv or the mouthrinse bottle, they're about the transition to summer vacation. I know these times of flux are difficult for my sensitive, rigid girl. I know I need to remain calm and control my emotions during these days when she is feeling deeply rattled and out of control. I KNOW this and yet my intellect and empathy only takes me so far.
Some days, it's not nearly far enough.
Tuesday 6:38 am.
"Downward dog is a lot like child's pose. How can you make it as easy as child's pose? How can you stay as calm and relaxed in the challenging moments, in downward dog, as you do in child's pose? Through all our challenging moments, how can we find peace inside? This is the question of yoga. This is the question of life."
This is the question of my life, right now.