Hope, but also fear

I think often of the quote I posted on the right side of my blog: "Hope and fear cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Invite one to stay." - Maya Angelou

Hope and fear are battling for a place in my head at the moment. It is unclear which will win.

There is so much out of our control, so much that is random, that is determined by a complex mixture of luck, natural forces, other human beings, and our genetic makeup interacting with the world around us. I wish I believed that someone's benevolent hands are holding this all.

It is tough to be an agnostic when life gets scary.

On Friday I will finally have the breast biopsy that was ordered after two mammograms and one ultrasound found suspicious tissue in one of my breasts. I believe it will be normal and life will go on as usual. I hope.

E has been sick for several weeks. It started with a sore throat and vomiting. Her tonsils were swollen and she was refusing to eat or drink. Then she got a rash. Then her nose started running and she started coughing. She was feverish, weak, and complaining of soreness in her arms and legs. She has been sick day after day after day, always testing negative for the usual suspects (strep, flu, ear infection, etc.)

We took her in for blood work on Monday.

(Blood work. On a four year old. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I didn't tell her what kind of tests they would run. I only promised that it wasn't the dreaded throat-swab, the previous winner for worst doctor experience. I held her in my lap and chatted in a strangled voice until they were ready with the needle and she realized what was happening and I had to hold her horribly tight as she struggled and screamed and cried for me to help her as they took vial after vial of her blood. After it was over, she cried in my arms, confused and angry: "But I need my blood! Why didn't you tell me?!" Once we got home, I gave her a lollipop and promptly ate an entire chocolate bar.)

The doctors think it may be Lyme. Or maybe mono? Or possibly something else entirely.

Or, I guess, it could be nothing but a long string of viral illnesses that she just can't shake.

They are supposed to call today and let me know.

And I'm supposed to invite hope to stay.

I hope she will be well soon. I hope she will forgive me for not telling her it was a blood test ahead of time. I hope I never have to hold her down for a blood test again.

I hope.