Hope, but also fear

I think often of the quote I posted on the right side of my blog: "Hope and fear cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Invite one to stay." - Maya Angelou

Hope and fear are battling for a place in my head at the moment. It is unclear which will win.

There is so much out of our control, so much that is random, that is determined by a complex mixture of luck, natural forces, other human beings, and our genetic makeup interacting with the world around us. I wish I believed that someone's benevolent hands are holding this all.

It is tough to be an agnostic when life gets scary.

On Friday I will finally have the breast biopsy that was ordered after two mammograms and one ultrasound found suspicious tissue in one of my breasts. I believe it will be normal and life will go on as usual. I hope.

E has been sick for several weeks. It started with a sore throat and vomiting. Her tonsils were swollen and she was refusing to eat or drink. Then she got a rash. Then her nose started running and she started coughing. She was feverish, weak, and complaining of soreness in her arms and legs. She has been sick day after day after day, always testing negative for the usual suspects (strep, flu, ear infection, etc.)

We took her in for blood work on Monday.

(Blood work. On a four year old. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I didn't tell her what kind of tests they would run. I only promised that it wasn't the dreaded throat-swab, the previous winner for worst doctor experience. I held her in my lap and chatted in a strangled voice until they were ready with the needle and she realized what was happening and I had to hold her horribly tight as she struggled and screamed and cried for me to help her as they took vial after vial of her blood. After it was over, she cried in my arms, confused and angry: "But I need my blood! Why didn't you tell me?!" Once we got home, I gave her a lollipop and promptly ate an entire chocolate bar.)

The doctors think it may be Lyme. Or maybe mono? Or possibly something else entirely.

Or, I guess, it could be nothing but a long string of viral illnesses that she just can't shake.

They are supposed to call today and let me know.

And I'm supposed to invite hope to stay.

I hope she will be well soon. I hope she will forgive me for not telling her it was a blood test ahead of time. I hope I never have to hold her down for a blood test again.

I hope.


Cortney said...

Oh gosh. I'm sitting here hoping and hoping for you. xo

Hillary said...

I'm sorry you all are going through all of this. I'm sending hope and all my best thoughts in your directions.

idena said...

I'm thinking of you and hoping for only good results for both of you.

Ann Wyse said...

Sending some good thoughts your way!

( On the subject of breast biopsies - I once had a biopsy after a suspicious ultrasound, etc - and they found cheese. CHEESE. As in curdled breastmilk. Seems funny in retrospect.)

Doing My Best said...

All the hugs and good thoughts for you!!! (Is there anything I can make for your little one to cheer her up?)

momof3 said...

I was thinking of you today and was going to send you a note to see how the appointment was and if you found any answers yet. I so understand holding your child down and soothing her after test after test after test. It breaks a mother's heart. If only we could take the pain for them. Hugs to you for your biopsy and I hope your baby girl is OK. Le me know what I can do.

Anonymous said...

sending you all lots of good thoughts!

Emily said...

That is a lot of stress for any one person to bear. Thinking of you and little E. I think this is a situation where massive chocolate consumption is totally appropriate.

shannon said...

I was drawn to your blog today... haven't been here in a while, with my own kids sick for two weeks and, well, just keeping my head above water. I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through and will keep you in my thoughts. Lets hope it's just... CHEESE, as Anne Wyse said :) and just a lingering nasty cold for E, not Lyme or something else dreadfully long lasting.

april said...

Oh, mama. Be kind and patient with yourself with all of that! I'll be thinking of you.

Marie Green said...

Catching up on blog reading today. Was thinking about E just this morning in the shower. Any word on what she might be fighting?

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