The weekend is barely over, we still have thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge and gravy boats to put away. But suddenly I realize that tomorrow is a very big day and it has totally snuck up on me.
Tomorrow I will be 18 weeks pregnant and I have an ultrasound. One that will hopefully reveal the contents of this baby's nether regions.
I am so nervous and excited about it I can barely stand it.
When I was pregnant with Zoe, I so desperately wanted a girl. I am very close with my mother and wanted to recreate some version of our special bond. I identify with girls and was scared of the stories I'd heard about destructive, rambunctious, difficult boys. I was also scared of practical things like what to do about circumcision and the terrifying statistics about autism in boys. But I didn't want to be sad upon learning it was a boy so I spent weeks trying to make myself feel okay about the possibility. I did such a good job that when we found out it was a girl, I cried tears of joy AND sadness (Poor CG got emotional whiplash that day).
Whether this baby is a boy or a girl, it is our last. We are done. And so there is a loss either way. Some days I hope for a girl; I always wanted a sister and wonder what it would be like to have two girls. I would love to revisit some of my favorite baby's clothes of Zoe's. Other days, I hope for a boy; I wonder what it would be like to parent a boy, to raise a confident yet respectful man.
I didn't have a strong feeling either way when I was pregnant with Zoe. But now I'm convinced I'm carrying a boy, mostly because this pregnancy has been SO different than my first. With Zoe, I was exhausted and STARVING, gaining 20 pounds in my first trimester alone. With this pregnancy, I was so ill and depressed in my first trimester I started to totally lose myself. I could barely eat and when I did, it was mostly TERRIBLE food. In my second trimester, I am at turns angry and randy and I can't help but blame some miscreant testosterone for it all.
Since I started to admit to myself and others that I think this baby is a boy, I watch the little boys I know and love and imagine what our little boy would look like. I imagine a little CG running around, a strong, sensitive, inquisitive little boy. I question my friends with little boys and I seem to see happy, easygoing little boys everywhere.
I will be surprised if a penis doesn't appear on that ultrasound screen tomorrow. And I'm surprised to say that I'll be a little bit sad.
