Boys and girls

The weekend is barely over, we still have thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge and gravy boats to put away. But suddenly I realize that tomorrow is a very big day and it has totally snuck up on me.

Tomorrow I will be 18 weeks pregnant and I have an ultrasound. One that will hopefully reveal the contents of this baby's nether regions.

I am so nervous and excited about it I can barely stand it.

When I was pregnant with Zoe, I so desperately wanted a girl. I am very close with my mother and wanted to recreate some version of our special bond. I identify with girls and was scared of the stories I'd heard about destructive, rambunctious, difficult boys. I was also scared of practical things like what to do about circumcision and the terrifying statistics about autism in boys. But I didn't want to be sad upon learning it was a boy so I spent weeks trying to make myself feel okay about the possibility. I did such a good job that when we found out it was a girl, I cried tears of joy AND sadness (Poor CG got emotional whiplash that day).

Whether this baby is a boy or a girl, it is our last. We are done. And so there is a loss either way. Some days I hope for a girl; I always wanted a sister and wonder what it would be like to have two girls. I would love to revisit some of my favorite baby's clothes of Zoe's. Other days, I hope for a boy; I wonder what it would be like to parent a boy, to raise a confident yet respectful man.

I didn't have a strong feeling either way when I was pregnant with Zoe. But now I'm convinced I'm carrying a boy, mostly because this pregnancy has been SO different than my first. With Zoe, I was exhausted and STARVING, gaining 20 pounds in my first trimester alone. With this pregnancy, I was so ill and depressed in my first trimester I started to totally lose myself. I could barely eat and when I did, it was mostly TERRIBLE food. In my second trimester, I am at turns angry and randy and I can't help but blame some miscreant testosterone for it all.

Since I started to admit to myself and others that I think this baby is a boy, I watch the little boys I know and love and imagine what our little boy would look like. I imagine a little CG running around, a strong, sensitive, inquisitive little boy. I question my friends with little boys and I seem to see happy, easygoing little boys everywhere.

I will be surprised if a penis doesn't appear on that ultrasound screen tomorrow. And I'm surprised to say that I'll be a little bit sad.


Astarte said...

When I found out that Patrick was a boy, I wasn't all that pleased about it. Now, though... boys are SUCH fun!!! They're weird, and new in a way that a girl isn't to a woman, the same as a girl must be to a man, I suppose.

I can't wait to find out what you're having! And I'm so glad you're feeling better.

Astarte said...

Here's another sign it's a boy - my word veri was 'heman' - he man!

melanie said...

I went through the gamut of feelings when pregnant with Moira. I wanted a girl for the same reasons you mentioned - I am close with my Mother and wanted to recreate that bond. But I convinced myself we were having a boy and when we found out it was a girl (after they pulled her out of me) I cried tears of joy and shock but was a tiny bit sad for the boy I didn't have. Not that I would trade Moira for the world, but you understand. You have to grieve for one of them if you build them both up in your mind. We are only going to have two children too and I'm already thinking about what would be best (like I have any control over it). I love having a sister so I would love a sister for Moira but on the other hand I would love a little Mister. I wish I wouldn't think about this stuff so much since I have no intention of getting pregnant any time soon.

I guess that was all to say: I understand and Good Luck tomorrow.

badmomgoodmom said...

Or you can get a rumbunctious and destructive little girl like mine.

Kathi McCracken Dente said...

Well? Did you find out? Don't keep us waiting... :)

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