Some days, I am so deeply grateful to be a stay-at-home mother. Preciousness and gravity hang from every wipe and hug and cup of milk. I can almost physically feel the fleeting nature of time and so I relish the gleeful toddler cackles and bizarre preschooler dialogues, awash in gratitude for my supreme good fortune.
Other days, I long to be somewhere else, doing something, anything, else. I feel my brain disintegrating inside my skull with every turning page of "Goodnight Moon" and imagine each dendrite drying up like a worm on hot pavement as the 'wheels on the bus go round and round', squashing every single crispy one. I feel time dragging on in an endless parade of laundry to be done and wiggly bottoms to be wiped and crusty dishes to be washed.
Some days, I hug my children enough, and, still, can't hug them enough. I use words I am proud of and set limits with reason and respect. I watch with admiration and pride as my children walk and run and follow rules and use their manners and make me think and feel and wonder at the beauty and intensity of life.
Other days, I yell too much, just too, too much. I grit my teeth and roll my eyes and use words I am ashamed of, even if it's only inside my head. Some days I look at my children and wonder if they will ever be grateful enough and then I hate myself for needing their gratitude.
Today is one of those other days.
I just hope that tomorrow is one of the some days.
12 comments:
Very well said. I think most of us SAHMs feel that way.
Here, here, CBHM. We all feel this way at one time or another, but here's the thing. Our kids will remember the best parts. Check out what my 10-year-old niece (a freshman English major at the University of Washington) wrote about her mom.
http://caitlinsinterludes.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-mum.html
I hope we can look forward to similar sentiments from our own kids.
not 10 years old--19!!! I hate when I make a typo
I feel each and every word of this post. Dude... just... totally. I so get it.
I hope you have a good day soon... and meanwhile, know we are all out here too, having "Other days" right along with you!
I, too, know both of those kinds of days. Sometimes intermingled, sometimes a long string of some days and sometimes a horrible stretch of the other days.
When I found myself yelling at Fussbot at 8:15am it was clear today was one of the "other days." Hang in there, the some days always come when we need them.
You know what? Your blog helps me get through those "other days". Thanks so much for putting yourself out there - I always get relief, either through laughter or tears, knowing someone else sooo gets it!!!
I had one of those other days today too and I carried it with me when I went to work. I hoping to leave and start fresh tomorrow
This is a great post. I am to tired to write anything else other than ditto.
Don't we all? :( Thanks for always making me feel like I'm not the only one feeling this way!
As your fond, fond Auntie, I must weigh in here: your words bring back my early mothering days with great urgency - every hug, every word, every loving exchange (and aren't they ALL loving?) are gold, to be returned 1,000 times in your life. Gratitude? You WILL receive it, over and over again as your beautiful, amazing girls grow and flourish and bring you laughter, rhapsody, unending joy and pride.... mushy? You bet! Sentimental! Absolutely! YOU GO GIRL! Believe in what you are doing as it is the most precious gift, the most important job, the greatest thrill, although all the laundry, endless boring jobs may make it not seem that way. What you will have at the end of it: two wonderful, loving, responsible human beings who you nurtured and brought to fruition. Now, THAT's AMORE and that's a worthy life well spent. And talk about creative: I could go on, but will stop now....
Most of my days are "other days" lately, with a 6 month old who doesn't sleep and a 5 year old who is wild and crazy and doesn't listen or stop talking. Thanks for helping me feel less alone.
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