Where's my merit badge? Where's my parade?

I just returned from 2 days in Cape Cod with Chic Geek (and Z, of course). Our lovely weekend included lots of time at a very baby-friendly beach, a dinner date for our anniversary (while CG's boss and his wife watched their two kids plus Z. Those people are saints, I tell you.), a day trip to Martha's Vineyard and the ingestion of several obligatory, scrumptious lobster-roll sandwiches.

Unfortunately, the weekend wasn't all lobster rolls and sunshine. The drive there and the drive back just about did me in. I left early so that I would have plenty of time and wouldn't get anxious. I printed out Mapquest directions. I stopped countless times to give Z a new toy, feed her something and find her pacifier. And yet I somehow found myself lost, singing the 1,000th round of "And Bingo was his name-o" while grasping the steering wheel with one hand and blindly launching handfuls of Cheerios in Z's general direction with the other hand. It was a sad, graceless, messy display. I hope to never drive solo for 6 hours with a 14 month old ever again. Never. Ever.

When I came back to the lake house, I found that the house is mess of dog hair tumbleweeds and dirty towels and the cleaner can't come till Wednesday, the day after my next batch of friends arrive. The dogs keep eating Z's pacifiers, barking when she's napping, knocking her over when we're outside, and pooping on every stretch of grass on which Z might be able to run around. Z is not her normal self. She's fussy, throwing food, barely eating (it IS hard to eat something if it is always airborne or smeared on the wall), waking up at 5 am, resisting naps and bedtime (the girl is a CHAMPION sleeper these days so this is seriously alarming), and static-clinging to me only to push me away when I try to actually sit down and play with her.

Without a break from her, without CG around, I am getting my butt kicked and I'm feeling sorry for myself. On the drive back, I kept fantasizing about leaving my husband alone with her for a week just so he will understand how hard it is. I've called several friends to bitch and moan. I thought I was capable of the selflessness that motherhood requires. I'm not sure I am. I seem to at least need an audience to hear about my suffering.

I'm finding myself so lonely here without my mom friends. I need to talk to people who truly get how hard this is. People who will affirm that I deserve some sympathy, a merit badge, a damn parade. I can't believe how hard this all is and I am starting out so blessed. I cannot imagine being a single parent, without support (or a lake house or a cleaner for the lake house, or... or.... or... ). Doing it for two weeks is hard enough. I hope I never have to do this again ever either. Never. Ever.