Decisions, decisions.

I hate that one of the decisions we've had to wrestle with as parents is whether and how to vaccinate Z. This decision should really be a no brainer, right? Um, thanks but I think we'll pass on having her contract measles/polio/teething-induced-psychosis (What? They don't make a shot for that? They should.) After much reading and hand-wringing, we've gone ahead with the full spectrum of vaccinations, so far with no obvious adverse reactions (except for that fluke 4 hour nap that she took after her 6 month shots which I personally call a Hallelujah! reaction and have been hoping for a repeat ever since).

Yesterday she got her MMR shot. The one that many link, albeit anecdotally, to autism. The one that I've been fearing for some time now. We were going to wait until Z turned 18 months old to give her this shot but daycare called to say she needs it so off we went.

We thought seriously about splitting up the vaccines into their separate parts. But the doctor said he has a really hard time getting them separate and has to put in a special order. And.... I wanted to be done with it. I hope that I don't ever have reason to think about that decision ever again. I hope it's never an issue.

I feel like I'm all of a sudden keeping a vigil. For the next 14 days, I will wonder and hope and hold my breath just a little bit. Stare at her. Wonder if she'll get a fever and when. Wonder about the fact that she used to say "Dada" and "up" and hasn't in a while. Wonder if she's going to "lose" more (?) words. Wonder if I will ever be able to get out of my head the angry, distant face of the little autistic boy that I worked with when I was in college; the one who gave me pause when deciding to become a mother, the one who makes me fear autism like it's..... well, like it's the terrifying, poorly understood, modern-day plague that it is.

Why don't we know what causes this disorder? Why must so many parents work so hard to find answers?

Maybe I should be more concerned about the fact that I didn't hold Z's arms tightly enough during the administration of her shot and she reached out in horror, grabbed the needle and scraped it across her thigh leaving a lovely red gash. I'm hoping that's the most lasting effect from this whole ordeal. (Well, that and the immunity from the easy-to-forget-about-but-also-scary measles, mumps and rubella) .