On my to-do list tonight, I am supposed to paste some pictures of our family onto a piece of paper and write titles like "Mama" and "Daddy" under them. I'm supposed to use a permanent laundry marker and write Z's name on her clothes, crib sheets and diaper cremes. It's all of a sudden getting very, very hard to live in denial. Z is starting day care. Tomorrow. (Kinda.)
We are doing a long, protracted transition to Z being in day care on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, all day, without me. Last week, we spent about an hour and a half there on each of our days, playing with the toys, meeting the "teachers" and kids, and getting used to the surroundings. This week, I'm supposed to leave her there for longer and longer intervals on each of those days. Next week, even longer intervals. We are very lucky that they are allowing us to do this so slowly, especially since we aren't officially paying for it until September 1st.
I wish I felt lucky.
I can't get over this sickening feeling that this whole thing is just so WRONG. She will experience things that I won't know about. She will see something and sign it's name and people may not notice or understand. She might be bullied or bitten or fall down. She will be on her own and I will have no control over what happens to her. She will be sad and need comfort and miss her Mommy.
(deep breath)
I CAN imagine the best case scenario actually happening so I'm going to focus on it and hope that it comes true. She is happy there and learns to nap there (I will take the leap of faith). She plays and learns and loves it so much she cries when we leave. I am fulfilled at work, have some time to myself after work where I can work out or run errands or talk on the phone without murmuring the inevitable "Yes, Z I'll get that for you in a minute!" and "Oh sweetheart, did you fall down?" every two seconds. It will help me be more present when I'm with her. More appreciative of our time together. More patient and loving and consistent with her because I won't be burned out, bored or resentful. More giving to Fabulous Husband. More treats for Sweet Dog. More proud liberals, loud feminists and Dennis Kucinich runs the world (Oops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
I admit that what will get me through tomorrow is my new mantra: "We can always back out".
I watched that Oprah program on working vs. stay-at-home moms last week. It was a fairly typical presentation of this tired "battle". But I have a soft spot for "Dr. Robin" (Seriously? Can we not know your last name?) who said something that I've been mulling over: As parents, we want so desperately for our kids not to ache, but life is full of hurt so what we should really be working towards is helping our kids know what to do for themselves when they DO ache.
I know I can't shelter Z forever. I want to help her be independent and strong and resilient. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to let go this much yet.
1 comment:
yes, you can always back out. But as zoe adjusts, so will you. :D You may even find yourself saying... "oh... this was a GOOD thing..." who knows, you will know after a few weeks of you guys working out the kinks.
You will find a balance that works, and if you don't, you will create a balance that works. It will all work out just fine no matter what the end result is, full day, half day, no day.
Oh, and if you need links to iron on name label companies, let me know. i ironed and ironed so much that i cheated and got slacky about it and now 1/3 of my labels are coming off. ;) We can also make you some sippy cup labels with my labelmaker if you need. :D
If they let you give her a 'lovey', label that too. I think p. doesn't drop her 'lovey' for even a millisecond at daycare. :D
Good luck tomorrow, please feel free to call if you need.
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