The Clueless But Hopeful Mama (and also Earnest! and Gullible!) goes shopping

Sometimes when I go shopping, I forget to bring my critical thinking skills.

Exhibit A
: Last month I bought these:

(I mean, really.)
Because.... regular wipes aren't good enough! They're too harsh on my baby's nose! (Or something.)

Exhibit B: I'm regularly buying this baby cereal. Whoever markets this stuff is totally aiming for ME.

Because....oh where do I start?? On the label, from the top down:

"Happy Bellies"- Aren't we all convinced that world peace would spring to the fore if only our babies' bellies were just a little bit happier?
"organic baby cereal"- Ahhhh, the environment is improved because of what I am choosing to buy from Target.
"DHA"- The latest in nutriceuticals for babies: don't let your baby be stupid! Give them DHA for smarter brains! (I jest and yet....)
"probiotic immunity support"- Maybe other people's babies will have unnecessary belly problems, but not mine. I'm not just feeding her, I'm supporting her immune system. Go ME!
"Dr. Sears recommended"- This makes me feel guiltily good, like even though I don't co-sleep or nurse around the clock, I've got Dr. Sears patting me on my hunched-over, sleepless back, an Attachment Parenting gold seal of approval.
And don't forget, at the very bottom: "BPA free"- Thank goodness! I assume they mean the packaging is BPA-free??? They can't possibly be insinuating that other baby cereals have baby-brain-melting plastic INSIDE them, can they?

Exhibit C: Ever wonder who falls for those free sample inserts in your Sunday newspaper?

That'd be me.

"Pantene Pro-V Restoratives Time Renewal Conditioner."
"Years of highlights, blow-drying, perms or even pregnancy have fatigued your hair"

(They have? They have! OH NO.)

We got this free sample a while back and I think their marketing is truly brilliant. Middle-aged (O. M. G. I'm pretty sure this is me) upper middle-class (Don't we all think we're somewhere in the middle class? Am I? Hmmmm.) ladies! We all love Pantene, right? And we all want to restore our hair (to some former youthful glory?) and most of us highlight our hair. (Nope, not me, not any more. Too chemically for a pregnant or nursing ANXIETY ridden mom like me.) Or at least, we blow it dry. (Nope, not me either. Who has the time?) And okay, WHO perms their hair these days? WHO?

I can see the marketing round table discussion trying to widen the target demographic: Let's see.... who haven't we covered here..... I know! Pregnant women! Let's throw that in there!

Bang! They got me!


On a not-totally unrelated note (yup, that's what passes for a transition- wheeeee!), I promise I will still be friends with y'all when I become a millionaire (leaving the middle class or upper middle class or wherever I am that allows me to buy all the crap listed above): you know how they make doggie toys that look like the human things dogs love to chew, like a rubber newspaper and a squeaky plastic shoe? Well, I'm going to sell baby teething toys in the shape of doorstops! and power strips! and heating grates!

Because that's what my newly mobile and completely stubborn baby is obsessed with.

(I want you to know that I thought long and hard about trying to take photographic evidence of her latest obsessions but decided against it. CPS, you got nothin' on me.)

All I have to do is make sure I appropriately label my adorable Chewy Power Strip (TM) (STEP OFF MAH IDEA): "Made with- Capital O-Organic rubber!" "BPA-free!" "With added DHA!" "Don't let your baby be stupid!" (Okay maybe not that last one.)


Fran said...

Oh CBHM!!! Thank you for the laughs on this morning when I needed them!!

Marie Green said...

When Marin was a baby, I felt the same way about remote controls and cell phones. Sure, the make toy cell phone, but any baby worth it's wait in brain cells KNOWS that the primary colored, flashing light, robotic voiced "cell phone" was NOT the real thing...

Maybe we could go into business together- you could focus on the power strips, I'd focus on 100% authentic Iphones (it's a new generation since Marin was a baby, yo)...

sagessa said...

"Made with- Capital O-Organic rubber!" "BPA-free!" "With added DHA!" "Don't let your baby be stupid!"

I laughed so hard at this that my husband thinks there's something wrong with me! Sadly, he didn't get it. I guess dad's just don't take in all the "save your baby" advertising like moms do.

Sarah said...

Brilliant idea about the teethers! I think you should add remotes and cell phones to the list though. (You'll share your millions with me since I contributed to the idea, right?!)

Whimsy said...

Please also add plastic rubberized but totally realistic ballpoint pens for the toddler set (with DHA but NOT ink). Kthnxbye.

Outnumbered by 3 Stooges!! said...

boogie wipes! love it

Aunt Bobbie said...

I thought boogers was the correct word - isn't boogie another spelling for boogey, as in "dance"? Or am I just being an anal old hippy?
Such amazing stuff out there for mamas. And I thought I was on top of things buying organic 30 years ago.....

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