All Hallows Eve (TM)

I like Halloween. I like costumes. I've always admired kids' homemade costumes, the ones where you can tell the parents and kids spent hours sewing or hot gluing or (internet ordering). In my pre-child days, I often spent weeks working on my own costumes. I always thought I would be in the trenches with my kids coming up with crafty, intriguing costumes.

The reality? I'm just too damn tired and disorganized.

This year, as soon as I broached the subject of Halloween costumes with Z, about a month ago, she immediately said she wanted to be Dora. She has the haircut and people often remark that she looks like Dora. And she wanted E to be Boots.

I tried to gently steer her away from this idea. I had visions of her coming up with her own costume, perhaps a unique, imaginative woodland creature, preferably made of out bark, feathers and organic cotton. Something, ANYTHING, besides the scary plasticized products of Current American Childhood INC.

Now, to be clear, I am not one of those people who only like bands BEFORE they become popular (in fact, I am usually a year or so BEHIND the trend.) I don't really want to eschew all aspects of childhood media. And I enjoy as many cheesy aspects of the dominant popular culture as most people. But there is still something so uncomfortable for me about having Z dress up as Dora (TM, I'm SO SURE).

It feels like her childlike imagination has been taken captive by Nick Jr..

It feels like it's telegraphing to the world just how much this mighty anti-tv mama has fallen. (Okay, I know it's not actually about ME.) (Uh...right?)

It feels like ... I need to start thinking about next year's costumes NOW.

Gimme Gimme Gimme

This weekend:

Z, gazing at a Toys-R-Us circular: "I wanna put that on my wish list. And that on my wishlist. And that and that and THAT on my wish list......"

CBHM, holding head in both hands: How did I get here?

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It all started this summer. We were purchasing A LOT of things for our new house and there were more than a few new toy-like-items purchased to ease the stress of traveling and transitioning to a new life. For a while there, it seemed every week included the purchase of something NEW and EXCITING for Z. So, of course, she started thinking this was the New World Order and decided she would get in on the decision making with her own requests.

Every trip to Target, every trip to the grocery store, every package that arrived on our doorstep, all were opportunities for her to MELT THE F*#$ DOWN about wanting something new and fun for her. So CG and I started searching for ways to help with the inevitable "I WANT THAT" meltdowns. I started telling Z that we can't buy everything we see and want but sometimes it's fun to think about what we might want and put it on a "wish list". Then, when a holiday is coming up or, eventually when she has her own money, she can decide which things she might like the most.

While a success in reducing Target meltdowns, this tactic has had an unfortunate side effect: the aforementioned, EVER PRESENT "I want to put that on my wish list" pronouncements. They seem harmless at first. "Sure, we'll put that on your wish list", I say, barely registering whatever the hell plastic hoo-ha she's talking about this time. But it's a little embarrassing to walk through the drug store and have her running in front of me ORDERING everything on the shelves for her "wish list".

Have I really taught her materialistic little mind anything, except maybe to covet things MORE?

Last week, she caught glimpses of TV advertisements (That's right, I was using TV as a babysitter and there's no way to cut out the ads on the end of Tivo'd Dora and I was still knee deep in laundry by the time I figured it out and I AM ON THE DARK DARK SIDE NOW.) and immediately hollered out: "MOM! I WANT THAT! ADD THAT TO MY WISH LIST!!".

So I decided not to lecture her about talking to me like a servant and instead sat down next to her on the couch, turned off the TV, and talked to her about how advertisements try to trick you into wanting to buy things, that many of those things aren't that great anyway and we won't be watching advertisements anymore.

Fast forward to today.

Z: "Mom! My program's over! Can you come and turn it off so I won't be tempted by the ad'tisements?!?"

I guess that's some progress.

How I quit my bitching about TV and came to love, of all things, Barney

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled "Will I ever give birth or will I be the first woman to die of old age with a fully grown adult child still ensconced in my womb?" bitching to talk about, of all things, TV. Because, ahem, several people in my household have been watching a lot of it these days.

Because it deserves a bit of an update.

Because, why not?

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This is what a slippery slope looks like:

Upon Zoe's birth, we resolved to keep TV at bay indefinitely.

Sometime after her second birthday, we started watching the copious videos of baby Zoe staring blankly into nothingness/picking her nose/smearing her hands on the camera lens being adorable and used IChat to talk with friends and family far away.

Then we searched for, and found, some music that Zoe learned at school on YouTube. Then Feist videos. Then Feist on Sesame Street. Then Sesame Street snippets with Natalie Portman, Alicia Keys, Aretha Franklin, Destiny's Child, etc. etc. ETC.

Then she discovered, and fell in love with, "Barney and Friends" through the suggested video stills YouTube pops up at the end of each video. And I found an easy, almost-painless way (painless as long as I beat a hasty retreat before the "I love you" song) to get a shower, make a meal, surf the web looking for ways to start labor that don't involve medication or explosive diarrhea.

Then I found myself the other day yelling to Zoe: "Come in here right now and watch a video!".

Um, yeah. Slippery slope indeed.

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Okay fine, I can't quite make it a whole post without bitching about STILL being pregnant.

Because, OOOF:


Any day now, Lima Bean, ANY DAY.

Tele-vision impaired

(If you are bored to tears by my hand wringing over TV watching for Zoe, and trust me I AM TOO, then I suggest you skip this post. )

We still aren't really doing TV with Zoe. But we're both sick with a cold and in spite of it, Zoe's been SUPER chatty and needy and active and impossible while I'm cooking and, well, I've been showing her more and more youtube clips from Sesame Street (Hello, slippery slope!). And they are fine by me, not too commercial, not exposing her to age-inappropriate information but MAN is it annoying to have to cue up another one every 2 minutes. And AND when your youtube clip is finished, these little boxes pop up to show you other clips you might be interested in. This is how she has discovered, and fallen in love with, Barney. And started singing that sign-of-the-apocolypse "I love you" song. SHOOT ME NOW.

(Is it just me or is leaving a toddler alone with a laptop on the table for even a second just asking for trouble?)

So I think we are finally ready to move away from short clips on the computer and turn on the TV. (You: Thank God and SHUT UP ALREADY.) We may start showing her half hour bits of Planet Earth and I just ordered some Little Bear videos from Amazon (our parenting education teacher recommended them and she's no fan of TV.). When they arrive, CG and I will spend a thrilling evening previewing them just to make sure there aren't any images of boogeymonsters or animal sacrifice or the like. I can't imagine we're going to have concerns about a little bear who plays with friends named Duck and has picnics on Pudding Hill for f's sake.

Of course, with this much hand-wringing, one has to suspect that it's not just about the TV, though I've felt ambivalent about TV for a long time. But I also feel a deep ambivalence about Zoe growing up and I think I'm projecting some of that onto our decision about TV. I feel her babyhood rapidly slipping away. She is no longer my baby, content to sit in my arms and gaze at her hands, babbling and smiling. Every day she is more and more her own person and any inadvertent but powerful illusion I had about her as some extension of myself, one I could control and protect, fades away. As she grows, the dominant culture is going to have more and more of a role to play and that, frankly, scares me.

We don't plan on keeping her in a bubble, but I do want to limit some of the messages that I feel are strong in TV programming; the commercialism and the gender role entrenchment for starters. I'm sick of going to the children's salon and having the hair dresser assume EVERY TIME that Zoe wants the "pretty princess bucket" of toys rather than the airplanes (which she really wants). The pediatric dentist marvels at the fact that she doesn't know Arielle from Aurora. Strangers point out Bert and Ernie in the checkout line at Target as if she must know exactly who they are. Do we really have to start all this stuff so young? Can we connect with children without animated characters?!

But I'm not so crazy as to think keeping TV from her will protect her from commericialism completely. She will learn about princesses eventually and if she loves them, well, then we'll do some princesses (*gag*choke*). She will have friends who teach her about specific TV shows and characters and we will just have to hope we are also instilling a healthy framework through which to critically view it all.

I battle internally, wanting to expose her to knowledge and beauty and complexity (not to mention the fun and lighthearted parts of our dominant media culture) in our world all while protecting her from all that's scary and unjust and adult. TV is my current lightening rod for this struggle. I will have to let go a bit. Of her. Of my ambivalence about TV and our culture and the world at large.

Perhaps there is some correspondence between thinking it's time for Zoe to finally watch some TV and the fact that my TV watching is undergoing a HUGE increase. All December, we barely watched anything. The election was over so no more nervous tummy political coverage. And so many shows were on hiatus. Now our DVR is full- American Idol, Rock of Love Bus (awww yeaaaaaahhhh. This is reality trash at its finest!), the Office, 30 Rock, Grey's Anatomy, The Daily Show. And on deck this month: Big Love (YAY! YAY!), Flight of the Conchords and Lost. I wonder how I'm going to have any time for anything besides TV.

I obviously like some TV in my life. It can be a fun, relaxing way to spend some time. I hope to teach Zoe how to balance it in her life, as I continually relearn how to have moderation and balance in my own.

Book Report: The Plug-In Drug.

I think this might be a good time to revisit our decision to keep Zoe TV-free as we are finding ourselves suddenly warming to the idea. (Funny how a crappy first trimester can do that!)

First a little history: we have wrestled with whether to allow Zoe to watch TV since she was about 4 months old. At that time, I noticed that whenever I was nursing her in front of the TV, she would unlatch (causing geysers of milk to drown nearby cities) and stare glassy-eyed at the TV until I did something to block her view. So we decided to keep the TV off when she was awake, though I still watched during many naps and in the evenings. I quickly figured out that some of my less-than-complete bliss at being a stay-at-home mom was related to the way I felt after spending too many hours prostrate before the tube watching "Jon and Kate Plus 8"/"Rock of Love"/"Made"/"What Not to Wear" and whatever the hell came on after because OH GOD I CANNOT SEEM TO TURN IT OFF. When Zoe was an infant, TV kept me company, made me a feel a little less alone and gave structure to my strangely formless days.

It also made me feel pretty crappy. So after initially focusing on keeping the TV off when Zoe was awake, I started to seriously limit my TV intake in general. CG too. If there is something specific we like ("The Office", "The Daily Show", "Entourage", "Weeds"), we TiVo it and if the time comes that we really want to watch it, we can, without commercials, on our own time. Today, this means that we don't watch that much TV, usually an hour or so a couple times a week. Which is quite lovely. (Though lately, with this ever present nausea, I've been watching way too much again. So I'm hereby resolving to go back to the No TV During The Day rule. Her naps can be my naps and I trust I will manage to survive without seeing my 1,000th "A Baby Story".

We don't plan on keeping TV from Zoe forever; after all, we await the blessed time when she can wake up early on a Saturday, take herself into the living room and watch cartoons while CG and I sleep in. But we decided to go with the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation and wait till she was at least two and then decide.

She is now two and a half. Now what?

Last spring, after I noticed a tattered billion-year-old copy of "The Plug-In Drug" by Marie Winn at my parenting education class, I went home and ordered myself a copy of the "updated" book. (Updated to include references to VCRs but not DVDs. Winn mentions with TERROR one "new" minivan that now comes with a built-in VCR. OOOOOoooo. Me thinks it's time for her to update again.)

The book is straightforward and decently written. No poetry here, just get-the-point-across prose. (Hmm perhaps that should be my new blog tagline...) However, Winn clearly has an agenda (can you guess what it is from the title?!) and relies on waayyyy too many anecdotes to support her arguments. (I know anecdotes are supposed to be helpful, so many parenting books include them, and honestly, they mostly annoy the F out of me. I prefer statistics and an N of 1 does NOTHING for me, people.)

And just what are her arguments, you ask? (Her points are summarized in bold, my comments follow.)

1.The real issue with TV is not the content (many parents counter any argument against TV with "But it's educational! He's learning Spanish/spelling/math!"). The problem is that time spent watching TV is time NOT spent doing something open-ended, using your child's imagination. TV captures the imagination, it does not stimulate it. This is especially problematic in young childhood as their developing mind should be busy making sense of the world and exploring, at their own pace, based on their own interest. TV is a passive experience that replaces play in which the child is the active leader. Young children so often have things done TO them and rarely get the chance to lead their own lives. Only open ended play does that. TV does not.

I find this argument persuasive. Zoe often plays independently, in her own world, talking to herself and her dollies and her shoes (! Should I be worried about that one?). I wouldn't want to disrupt, limit or impinge on her having that open-ended time. I hear the educational argument all the time from parents who don't understand why we don't show Zoe TV and I'm not terribly persuaded by it because, as Winn points out, EARLY childhood is not about acquiring rote skills through prescription (there's enough time for that later in school) but about acquiring social skills, independent play skills and imagination, all of which can be limited or hampered by TV watching.

2. The slippery slope issue: TV habits often start small (a half hour here, a half hour there), but as the child gets older TV replaces more and more of the open ended exploring that is the cornerstone of childhood development. It becomes more and more of a draw and harder and harder to limit. A daily battle over how much TV is allowed is common in many households.

(I just saved you by not including the 8,000 anecdotes she uses to illustrate this point.) I know myself and TV and fear my own slippery slope tendencies with it. And we still see Zoe completely zone out whenever she does see TV (at restaurants or friends' houses) so it's easy to imagine that it would be a big draw for her. I fear I would resort to it more and more and more. Once that gate is open, I know it would be hard to keep limits.

We are wrestling with this even more, just in the last few days, because somehow we got into the habit of watching some short videos of dance recitals on YouTube. I'm not sure how it started but now Zoe is a bit obsessed and insists on seeing the "Mary had a little lamb dancers!" ALL DAY LONG. We've got to put a stop to it, if only to keep my brain from rotting. I feel like it's just semantics at this point that we're keeping "TV" from her when she's watching videos on the computer. They are short and I'm right there with her but still, it's screen time all the same.

3. It allows us as parents to get a little lazy when faced with a task we need to do and a toddler who wants our attention. It becomes too easy to plunk your child down in front of the TV while you are cooking dinner rather than finding ways to include them in the process or find a parallel play activity that they can do while you work. It may be an easy short term solution that becomes an entrenched habit.

I was first really REALLY was tempted to use TV when Zoe started being clingy RIGHT at dinner-making time. For a month or two, it was IMPOSSIBLE to cook anything without her screaming, whining body attached to my leg/hip/neck. Soon enough, I figured out things that she could do while I cooked and now she mostly plays independently in the kitchen with me while I cook or I involve her in cooking (okay, right NOW, I'm not really "cooking" at all but the warming up of Trader Joe's food and the doing of dishes from the three previous meals so that we have a clear table and some dishes to eat with still has to get done somehow!). I fear that if I had used TV then, I would never have tried to get her back into the kitchen with me. Dinner making time would just be TV time and that would be the end of it.

4. It doesn't allow for the imagination that comes with "boredom". Finding something to do when you are in unstructured time is a skill. As the TV generation ages we find many adults who are unable to do this. These are the people who automatically turn on the TV on vacation, the ones who have it on all weekend long without really watching anything, the ones who spent the whole evening after work endlessly channel surfing to see if "somethings on". Boredom for kids inspires creativity. Those who learn how to deal with boredom and entertain themselves will not be as likely to yell "Mom! I'm booooreeeddd!"when they're older as they will not be counting on external stimulation all the time.

I have friends and family who must always have the TV on and I honestly find it a strange and sad thing. What about silence? What about a little space to hear the voice of your own thoughts? What happens if a child is not given the opportunity to live and play without external stimulation all the time? What if even a little of that external stimulation becomes so treasured that it surpasses all other play in value to the child?

5. Children are different from adults. Adults can use TV to unwind from stressful days, to relax while being effortlessly entertained. Children benefit from other ways of unwinding. TV time, instead of relaxing children, often leaves them crankier than before, which, she argues, is most likely a result of the different kind of consciousness that occurs in young children watching TV. It is akin to post-sleep crankiness where the brain is challenged to come back to wakeful, purposeful alertness.

She goes on to describe TV as addictive (hence the title of the book) for parents and for children. She describes the way parents use TV, as a way to entertain kids when they are sick, to calm them when they are upset, to help them transition to new activities, as akin to drugging them. This is over the top, but I get her point.

The whole idea that TV affects the brain and "consciousness" is interesting and scary but, unfortunately, she uses very little fact and lots of stories about kids "zoning out". She asserts that the visual images presented in such a flattened visual field is really a "sensory assault" to young brains, one that "activates an immediate passive response in many young viewers". She goes on to link the constant shifting of visual frames in most TV programs to ADHD but uses only anecdotal stories and quotes from doctors with no mention of specific research. ARG. Give me STATS!



So, if you're still reading, what do you all do about TV? What do you make of her arguments (or, at least, of my poorly summarized versions of her arguments)?

PS. I should just mention here that I was raised on TV from a young age and can tell you all about every single game show, soap opera, and laugh-track sitcom from the 80's. And I have no brain damage (that I can link to TV, anyway). I'm STILL interested in whether TV is a good, necessary, desirable thing to show to my kid(s!).

"Made" into someone better.

"Made" is one of my favorite TV shows, even though I'm about 20 years older than the target demographic. For those who've never had the pleasure, each episode of this documentary-ish show chronicles a select high schooler's journey as they are "made" into something entirely new and different. We watch as they are paired with a coach who helps them attain their goal: the nerd vies for the homecoming crown, the shy wallflower learns to rap, the jock takes up ballet.

I eat this feel-good, you-can-be-anything-you-want-to-be sh!t up.

I want to believe that, given the right caring encouragement and expert assistance, we all could break out of our mold and realize new dreams, new improved versions of ourselves. Remember how easy it was to get pigeonholed in high school and how we all dreamed of busting out and finding our hidden talent for skateboarding or cheerleading or Olympic pole vaulting? (that last one is MINE ALL MINE)

I think this is why I love parenting books.

(you: GROAN.)

Seriously, parenting books coach me with new and different ways of doing this most impossible job. Sometimes, I totally agree and latch onto the ideas in a book or at least remember something that informs how I mother Zoe. Sometimes, I totally disagree or get annoyed at the judgmental tones (see: Dr. Sears. I know, I know, he's loving and touchy feely but I often feel he's judgmental of non-attachment parenting decisions like, oh say, prioritizing the PARENTS' need for sleep?)

Other times I feel like I'm trying on a new persona to see if it fits. Like when I read this beautiful little book by Amanda Soule of Soulemama, which was given to me by my dear friend Kathleen (a truly crafty lady who helped me make these letters for Zoe's room). First of all, Amanda's blog is beautiful and awe-inspiring. The book is too. It's chock full of tips and ideas for creating an open creative environment for your whole family. As I read it, I found myself wanting desperately to make a banging wall (I'm not so sure that the neighbors would appreciate that), stock small bins with fabrics for Zoe to run her little fingers through (won't she just scatter them to the far dusty corners of the room?), create family art time where we all sit and draw together (right now, Zoe's
idea of art time is rubbing markers on her chin till they're dull while demanding that "Mommy draw! Mommy draw ZOE!").

My parenthetical comments clearly betray my lack of conviction. I want so badly to be an open, creative Mommy. The one who doesn't care when things get messy. The one who is naturally improvisational and crafty, has artistic vision to burn and can sew/paint/fabric-glue with aplomb. In reality, I hate to get messy and I cling to directions and recipes because if left to my own devices I'm usually sad to discover that my creative energy well is DRY AND EMPTY. That's why I need this book. Real, live, truly creative types don't need a book to teach them how to be creative. (I like to think they need a book about how to.... be punctual? follow a recipe? GOOD GOD do I have ANY meaningful, worthwhile skills here?)

So I've started slowly. I finally bought Zoe some (washable) water colors (Mess! Lots of instruction and supervision! Things might get stained! Some creative coach needs to come over and hold my hand!). She likes them, though it often results in her declaring: "Mommy paint ZOE NOW!".
I think more often about ways to make her toys and environment more open-ended and creative. I pulled out all my old scarves from the 80's and put them in a box for her to dance around with. I try to encourage her to explore and get dirty, swallowing my concerns about all the laundry and floor mopping that will certainly follow. I've renewed my desire to get a sewing machine and learn how to actually use it, not for anything too wild, maybe just a few halloween costumes ("It's Zoe! The Glad trash bag!") or maybe these AWESOME birthday crowns (Oh. It appears that you don't need a sewing machine for them. Don't tell CG because I still want a sewing machine.)

Plus I totally have a dream (No, not the pole vaulting one. With all my dance injuries, that one is definitely out of the running.) to learn how to play the guitar so that we can sit around the fire and sing Beatles songs while softly petting our perfectly well behaved dog's head. That may be mostly fantasy (unless that's a BBQ fire where our turkey burgers are burning and the dog is eating dirt) but I hope to take guitar lessons sometime in my life.

And be MADE into the creative, artsy-crafty mom I've always wanted to be.

Finding Nemo = Crack.

What's TV for if not to help with the stresses of a haircut? It's still reserved for nail cutting and haircuts in Zland. That blank stare on her face is the main reason. I swear, she did not blink the whole 10 minutes she was in that chair. She was like an addict looking at her fix.