As we slowly descend into the terrible twos, I'm turning more and more to the tantrum-avoidance advice of friends, doctors, relatives, random people at the grocery store and, AH YES, books.
Since "The Happiest Baby on the Block" seemed to work fairly well for us, we bought "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" (THTOTB). The simplistic style of "The Happiest Baby on the Block" made it a welcome addition to my volumes of US and People Magazines in those early months. However, as I browse through THTOTB, I'm finding the singsongy writing style a bit grating these days. In THTOTB, there is considerable time spent comparing the growth of our precious babes to the evolution of man (ie. Z is currently in her Neanderthal phase). His biggest advice seems to be to use Toddlerese- a simple, emphatic, empathetic recitation of what you think your little toddler is trying to say to you.
Why this sounds just like "reflective listening", thought I. You see, when I was in college, I joined an earnest student-run peer counseling group called The Listening Center aka "TLC". (Don't go chasing waterfalls..... please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to....). It was soooo me- earnest, caring, respectful. TLC was also totally, thoroughly unused, except for the weirdo we dubbed "Pyscho Caller" who called on a regular basis to breathe heavily into the phone and who was the reason for many an earnest, caring, respectful meeting: "But what if he really NEEDS us? Who cares if he's jacking off? He might really NEED us!!".
Anyway, the basis for this peer counseling group was "reflective listening" which in our simplistic terms basically meant you would fill in these blanks: "It sounds like you're feeling *blank* because *blank*". You do not move on to problem solving until you have fully heard and fully reflected back what the caller is saying. I was such a TRUE BELIEVER that I was a trainer in my junior year.
So I should be GREAT at this Toddlerese business, right? Uh, as I am quite self conscious in public and hate to make a scene, NO. But we're still giving it a try as it appeals to my earnest, caring, respectful self. I am not capable of turning away from Z's tantrums (yet), she's not really old enough for time out (right?) and she's often easily talked down from them using Toddlerese. So away we go.
Most of the time, it's easy to figure out what to say to her. "Z's UPSET! Z says: NO DIAPER! NO DIAPER! NOOOOOOO DIAPER!" or "Z's SAD! WANT ICE! Zoe lost that piece of ice to Puppy and now she's SAD!" or "Z's frustrated! Z wants to walk into traffic RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! MUST GET INTO TRAFFIC, RIGHT NOW!". I use my carefully formed and much prized reflective listening skills to hone in on the exact words that will capture her emotion: "Z's MAD MAD MAD. Z says: WANNA RUN WITH PEN! MUST RUN WITH PEN AND IMPALE MYSELF ON IT!"
Other times, I am at a total loss. The girl is whining. Clinging. Thrashing head and hands back and forth while doing the neutron dance. It takes all my strength and the power of TLC behind me to keep myself from saying: "Z's CRAZY. Z's an illogical, whiny, stubborn TODDLER and she's UPSET FOR NO REASON THAT I CAN FATHOM."
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