or so says Gavin Rossdale. (Thanks K!)
For me, there was something so binary about having one kid. I either was with my kid or I wasn't. I was either in "mom mode" or I wasn't.
On or off.
Home with two kids, one of whom has STOPPED NAPPING ALTOGETHER OMG, I am much more rarely off and I feel like I am two steps behind on EVERYTHING, all the time. (Can you tell Z has been home sick from preschool the past two days?)
I have to remind myself when I start to get squirrelly that I need time out of the house without ANY child. Even though it suddenly feels almost easy running an errand with "just" one child it still requires that low level hum of constant vigilance, the antennae that must remain alert for DANGER in all forms (Balloons and lollipops at the checkout counter for Z! Strangers too close and pokey for E!), the awareness of schedule that is the constant thrum in my head (It's been two hours since E woke up and one hour since she finished eating and she's had exactly -woops!- NO minutes of tummy time today and OMG HOW MANY HOURS SINCE SHE POOPED??? STAND BACK SHE'S GOING TO BLOW!!!).
Looking back now, the time before E was very, very different. It was more like "I have a kid" as if that could have been an accident and WOOPS here I am, with a kid. That I was working part time was part of it too. I had a kid but I also worked outside the home, had responsibilities somewhere else, existed in a world beyond my couch. I was a mom but there were times, significant portions of my week, when that wasn't plainly obvious (or so I like to think).
Now I am home with two (TWO!) kids, I feel like I've crossed over to a new world: I am no longer just a woman with a kid, I am a MOM.
I'd like to follow that with "HEAR ME ROAR" but instead this mom is more likely to whimper. I am feeling a bit pummeled by the ever present NEED NEED NEED of two kids. (To those of you with more than two kids who are chuckling at my whining, I SALUTE YOU. Also: any tips? I've been visiting Swistle's brilliant inspiring post OFTEN.)
I often find myself wishing that I had more time to give to each of them, alone.
I often find myself wishing for more time for myself, ALONE. (Were introverts really meant to have kids? How exactly does one get energy from being alone when you've always got a talky three year old who NO LONGER NAPS around?)
I am going away this weekend, by myself, for about 36 hours. A dear friend is getting married, in the garden where CG and I were married, and I am going. I hope that I will be restored, though I imagine I might miss these little suckers just a little bit (which, come to think of it, would be really, really nice).
I have a feeling it's going to be a loooonnnngg winter (Did I mention the DEATH OF NAPS around here?)