6/28/10

I see you. I hear you.

"I see you got that tape off yourself, Z!"

"I hear you E! You're mad that I took that rock out your mouth!"

Of all the things I say over and over again, every day, "I see you" and "I hear you" are probably the ones I've worked the hardest on and am proudest of. Sure I say "I love you" a lot too, and though it's often heartfelt, the truth is it's sometimes rote and other times selfishly fishing for connection. I also say "I'll be right there", "I can't understand the whining" and "Please don't put a shopping bag on your sister's head and then try to lead her around by the handle" a lot too but those aren't always said in the nicest tone.

This particular verbal tic started when I was taking a state funded parenting education class back in Pasadena, where we started out as dazed new moms who needed a place outside of the house to go once a week to watch our children gnaw on each other while we talked about how hard it is to be a mother and wound up, several years later, still dazed, still needing a place outside of the house to go once a week to watch our children gnaw on each other while we talked about how hard it is to be a mother. The classes were actually incredible informative, with presentations on everything from car seat safety to post partum depression.

One day, our teacher instructed us to abolish the phrase"good job" from our vocabulary. In it's place, she urged us to use "descriptive praise", basically describing what you see your child doing in a positive tone of voice without any need to evaluate it for them. So instead of "Good job sliding down that slide!", I would say "I see you slid down the slide!" with just as much enthusiasm.

It makes sense to me that the empty phrase "Good job" eventually gets filtered out, that to children it sounds hollow and meaningless. After reading "Punished by Rewards" a year ago and then, just recently, "Nurtureshock", I am even more committed to finding ways to talk about my children's behavior without resorting to bland compliments. And so, for me, "I see you _______" has become my version of Mom Mad Libs.

"I hear you _____" comes out of my mouth pretty often as well, though less as praise and more about teaching my girls how to communicate their needs, opinions and feelings. This is murkier territory because rather than labeling what I can clearly see, I must guess what my daughters are feeling and I'm aware that my words can have a powerful suggestive impact. But I want them to know that I hear them, and I want to help them name and express their feelings. So I muddle my way through it, hoping that my effort to hear them is what matters most.

Though I sometimes fear that my Mom Mad Libs are a little too ... precious? Academic? I really do believe in them. These phrases strike me as being at the heart of what it means to be a parent, or a spouse or a friend for that matter. In any relationship, first and foremost, we must truly see and truly hear.

Isn't that what we all want, anyway? To be seen and heard?

13 comments:

Marie Green said...

Wow, I like this. I too think "good job" is empty and "I'm so proud of you" is loaded (b/c it implies the child should constantly seek to please me), so I think "I see/hear you" is a perfect compromise.

Thank you for that.

And now I must read Nutureshock.

Kathi McCracken Dente said...

I am embracing the "I see you's" in a new way these days. I am trying to use them for praise but also just to let her know I am noticing her. That she has my attention even though I am busy doing the dishes. The "I hear you's" are funny territory for us. I sometimes try this when she is upset and she just cries louder and gives me a "not that parenting book crap again" look. But I am refining my technique and it is having more impact. Good stuff! And I loved nurture shock!

Swistle said...

I like "I see you" too because it reminds me to LOOK. I can say "Uh huh, good job" without looking.

Hillary said...

Oh, I like these. I don't want to use good job all the time, but don't always know how to replace it in the instant. Thanks!

Katie said...

I know this, and I still have trouble remembering to actually use it. I have a 2.5 year old son who is constantly telling us to LOOK! at whatever it is he is doing/throwing/playing with, and I feel the words "good job" slip out of my mouth all the time with no meaning. Bah.

Thanks for the reminder.

Michelle said...

This is perfect. I will use it. Does it keep your kids from repeating themselves over and over again even though you've acknowledged them because I will do anything to have that stopped :)

miyoko said...

Since we both sat in the mentioned Pasadena class together... i too try to find alternate ways of responding, inspiring excitement, and giving true praise. I find instead of saying "good job" i'm saying all sorts of spazzy miyoko-isms, like "wow!!! P how cool is THAT?" or "how awesome!!! how did you come up with that?" "where did you learn that, how cool! that's using your imagination!!" so now, when P does something instead of saying "Look Mom" i get "is that cool?" "Is this awesome?" "I just learned this up!"

my own little valley toddler. heh.

GratefulTwinMom said...

I really like these phrases. "I see you's" and "I hear you's" are exactly the "noticing the little things that your kids do right all the time" (ala "Calmer Parenting style like I'm sure you know). I have begun adding to those types of phrases to indicate a social quality that I notice my kids exhibiting that I want them to internalize. "You've gotten your own juice and you didn't even ask me. That's self reliant." or "You wanted to cry when you didn't get what you wanted for dinner, but you didn't. That's self-control." They really love it when they realize that they are behaving exactly the way that I appreciate in adults. I think these proud moments you're feeling now will reward you ten fold later with well-adjusted, confident kids. Yea for you!

Sarah said...

This is a great insight. I often feel like I'm just reciting nonsense that my kid will surely begin to find patronizing and meaningless, if she hasn't already.

Katie said...

Miyoko - I'm about 20 minutes from Pasadena and we have a lot of "That's so cool!"'s in our house too. So the 2.5 year old calls everything cool and says "dude" a lot. Oops. :) Let's hope he never moves out of California.

Bird said...

Nurture shock is sitting on my bedside table though I haven't read it, I keep reading about it. I try to praise for specific things "I like the way you're eating nicely" or "That was great jumping" rather than a bland good job. For me, the "I see you" aknowledges the action but seems kind of neutral.

Amy said...

I like these phrases. I give a lot of praise too though. I didn't get a whole lot of "you are so smart" or "you are pretty" as a kid because my mom was just more practical than that and it took me a while to figure out that I actually am smart and funny and pretty. I tell her all the wonderful things she is as well as telling her all the things I have noticed her do throughout the day. I've read Nurtureshock and find it pretty provocative but I don't totally agree with everything such as I don't think spanking only works in cultures that find it to be "no big deal."

Jane said...

I read these fantastic suggestions for acknowledging what our kids do, and I cannot wait to implement them into my vocabulary. Having been blown away by "Nurtureshock" (and subsequently raving about it to every parent I know), I have been searching for better phrasing than "Good job!". These are truly simple, excellent examples, and I thank you.

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