Thinking outside my box.

It is a cliche of parenthood that having a child makes you see the world anew. What I hear less often is how parenthood truly busts you open, cracking open the ribcage of your life and rearranging every organ inside, stretching some, ditching others and adding still more that you never knew you needed. There are no words for how profoundly Z has changed me.

Before Z, I would have described myself as a bit of a control freak. I liked a calm and orderly house. I wanted to know how things were going to happen and I preferred to plan all things in advance. I didn't like change. I sucked at handling conflict and tried anything and everything to avoid confrontations.

I am obviously in the midst of a very rude awakening.

She smashes up bugs and hands them to me for inspection and I do my very best impression of someone who is not at all grossed out. The more it happens, the less it's just an impression.

She delights in spreading her toys everywhere, taking things out of baskets, dumping every block from the bin. I follow her and "help" her tidy up before she makes her next destructive pass to return it all to chaos. I barely remember the clean and empty surfaces of my former life.

She wants things I can't give her, things she can't have right now or ever, and she loses her mind. And I have to stay there, be present, hold tight to our rules and deal with the conflict-ridden life of a toddler.

Most annoyingly, she changes. every. Damn. DAY. I just get used to something, fall in love with one lovely behavior or research my brains out about a vexing one and the next day it's different or gone. Never to be seen again. Just when I'm getting my bearings, it all shifts.

When we bought Z a sandbox and filled it with crazy expensive "safe sand", I'm not sure what I was expecting. I know I was not expecting her to use it as a place to give her dolls sand facials, including gruntily pushing fistfuls of sand into their eye sockets. I was not expecting that she would spend the rest of her time at the table pouring $5 cupfuls on the dog's head or into her own shoes.

But I am learning to let it fly just like so many other things. I like to think this relaxing of standards means I'm more flexible, open and resilient. A better mother and a better person.

Either that or I've completely lost my mind.