Eight months ago, Z started part-time daycare.
Questions from my Eight Months Ago Self (EMAS) to my Present Day Self (PDS):
EMAS: You need a break from your baby?? What is wrong with you anyway? You say you love her more than life itself but you are choosing to go back to work part time even though you don't NEED to??
PDS: You're effing right I could use a break from this child. And even more right that I love her more than life itself. EMAS, you've been feeling tired and lonely and worn-out, acting less than stellar to your husband and your child as a result. Trust me, you will feel WAY better once you have a little time in the working world and a little time to yourself. You will appreciate your time with Z SO much more.
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EMAS: Don't you miss her terribly?? Don't you know that you are missing out on moments in her life that you can never get back?
PDS: Yes, I sometimes do miss her on the days she's at School. Other days, I honestly think: Thank Chocolate I get a break today. I honestly think I cannot be the primary care-giver day in and day out without getting burned out. Some can but I can't. I accept that and feel like a better mother for making the decision to work part time.
As for the moments I'm missing out on, I do feel sad about them sometimes. Sometimes one of her teachers will tell me she said a new word or Z will come home "singing" a new song that I don't know. I've come to embrace the idea, earlier than maybe I was ready to, that she is going to experience things that I won't know about and can't control. I'm glad she has a safe, warm, loving, stimulating environment in which to do that.
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EMAS: Don't you want to be the one to raise your own child? How can you trust STRANGERS to care for your defenseless child?
PDS: F YOU. I AM raising my child. She knows EXACTLY who her mother is. She spends most of her waking hours and has most of her important experiences with me and/or her dad and/or her dog. Her teachers are partners in raising her. They are not perfect but they are good people and I'm happy to have the help.
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(Yes, I do actually have conversations in my head with past and present versions of myself. That's, like, TOTALLY normal, right?)
4 comments:
I have conversations in my head too, but I have been told that my lips move. So I try to limit the conversations to those times that I am alone.
You go, girl! And don't hesitate to remind EMAS that our whole CULTURE is still in recovery from that brief blip on the radar known as the 1950's nuclear family! Holy dyfunction Batman! Historically and globally, raising kids is more communal than our recent sick-o invention of one mom at home with kid(s). Since we are not yet in a utopia invented by ME, we do have to pay for this community support sometimes, so be it!
(stepping meekly down from soapbox, now...)
Internal mommy voice never goes away, and after living and internally speaking the "part time working and daycare eternal debate" i now live the stay at home mom "no pre-school 2's program?" internal debate.
Is it "BAD" that P doesn't go to a "2s program" (2's programs-- all the rage here)
Is she getting enough "SOCIALIZATION?"
"Is she not LEARNING enough?"
"Will i start to be insane with lack of 'free time?"
"Should i be WORKING, or continue to stay at home till after i get potential baby #2 on his/her feet?"
Being on the other side of the coin just 7 months ago, working part time basically funding part time daycare, it's interesting to be where i'm at.
At this point after seeing both sides of this coin-- or maybe 2 sides of the 100 sided Dungeons and Dragons dice (yes, geeky comment there, but it's true), it's all relative to the particular toddler, the particular mommy and daddy and you make work, what you can make work for everyone involved. I just try to see it all as a "take it day by day, address the needs day by day as much as possible".
:)
I am a SFTWM (Single Full Time Working Mother). I was able to stay home for nine months after my daughter was born. I enjoyed for a very short while. Then I sank into depression. The short version of the story is that I went back to work and I am a much better parent for it. I think some of us women just don't have the personality to stay home full time. There is nothing wrong with that. Those of us that choose to work (or have to work in some cases) do not love our children any less than anyone else. We just value our sanity.
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