7/13/09

Moving tends to make me maudlin

I don't want any more children.

There is a tiny little part of me that will probably always want more babies. Especially sweet, easy, sleep-through-the-night, put-downable babies. Especially my babies.

I shudder at the thought of going through any more pregnancies.

I wouldn't mind feeling a baby flutter and kick me from the inside, just one more time.

CG and I know the limits of our patience, our money, our time and our abilities. Two children is our limit.

I will never know how much more my heart could expand with another child (and another). (And another.)

I will tire of diapers and temper tantrums and stomach flu.

I will never tire of first smiles and first giggles and first kisses. First "ma ma ma ma ma"'s. First discoveries. First time holding my whole hand instead of just my finger. First questions which necessitate careful, vague explanations beginning with "well, when two people love each other very, very much.....".

I don't want to stop time.

I just want to hold it in slices, preserve my favorite moments for a later date. When Zoe is off to college, wanting little more than a credit card and several loads of laundry done when she visits, I would take a smidge of her, age right now, and watch her run and skip across our lawn, right into my waiting arms.


I want to open a jar of Eliza, age right now, when she's 13 or 17, when everything is difficult and she won't talk to me and I'm desperate to bridge the divide. I would just hold her in the crook of my elbow, one last time. Stroke her downy hair, squeeze her thighs, make her smile with heart stopping joy just by smiling at her first.

9 comments:

Swistle said...

This is exactly what I want. Preserving jars.

Kate said...

Okay I need to stop reading your posts at work, the crying is getting embarrassing.

I too, want the preserving jars.

~beautyandjoy~ said...

Oh, that was heartbreakingly beautiful! So well and perfectly said.

Michelle said...

Beautifully said and all so very true. I know we should only have two logically but I think I'm going to want to keep going after the second (whenever that happens.)

Astarte said...

Yes. To all of it.

This is why I do MOPS twice a month. I get a baby fix that reminds me why I didn't do it again, despite the gorgeous sweetness.

Kristen said...

Hi Jenna,
This is Kristen Pearlman, I'm Jay Pearlman's wife. Wyatt went to school with Jay and came to our wedding a couple years ago. Jonti Rodi told me about your blog and I just started following it. Your girls are very cute! We don't have any yet, but are trying!!
Good luck with your move. Hopefully,we'll get a chance to meet one day :)
P.S. My friend Kelsey has a blog you might enjoy. She has two girls as well. It's www.mamabirddiaries.com

Eleanor Q. said...

Beautiful.

For me its going through all the pieces of our lives and putting them in boxes that makes me want to cling to every little moment even more.

Whimsy said...

Yes, please. Yes, yes, and YES.

bat7mess said...

Your blog has been particularly moving lately. This post brought me to tears. I hate that time keeps moving on, and that my girls keep growing and changing. I just want to freeze so many moments so that they're always there. I can't even continue with this comment because I am bawling and no longer making sense.

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