Special delivery

Dear (friend),

Enclosed please find two bags of gently used maternity clothing. Wear them in good health!


Clueless But Hopeful Mama

PS. I already gave the stained, stretched out, FUGLY, why-oh-why-so-many-horizontal-stripes-and-bows? maternity clothes to Goodwill. And I threw out the maternity underwear (?!) that would have certainly given you nightmares. You're welcome.

PPS. I know that the maternity coat seems silly. I mean, coats are already large enough, right? You'll toootally fit in your regular coat. (Except when you stop fitting it in COMPLETELY because your belly and shoulders and RIBCAGE are bigger than you ever thought possible. Then you'll be so glad that my mother insisted on buying me one over my teenagery, "But Maa---aaaaa" protests.) (Sorry if its pockets smell permanently like crystallized ginger. It was a rough first trimester.)

PPPS. There are very few pairs of pants in these bags. There is a reason and it is this: all maternity pants S U C K. Seriously. The ones that are supposed to go under your belly? FALL DOWN. The ones that are supposed to go over your belly with that unwieldy, stretchy cummerbund-from-hell? FALL DOWN. I pretty much gave up and wore elastic waist work-out pants, shapeless dresses and skirts with big, soft waists. There are a few of the latter in your bags but not many. They will remain in my closet until Operation Lose Muffin Top is more successful and zippers cease to catch stray flesh in their silvery teeth.

PPPPS. The obvious solution to the above problem? Wear a unitard!

PPPPPS. Next up! Nursing hand-me-downs! Nursing bras cut up to your chin to completely encase any and all possible stray boobie-ness! Nursing shirts cut down to your belly button to better reveal said nursing bras! (WHY OH WHY?) Fun times!

PPPPPPS. Don't worry. It's not that bad. (And if it is? It's over in less than a year.) Plus! One day you'll be doing this all day (though you probably won't have the double chin) and passing along these clothes to someone else with a smile and a grateful shove.


Kathleen said...

You are the best. Hands down. The best.

Hillary said...

TOTALLY agree with you on the maternity pants. One of the perks of being pregnant in a place with no real winter was that I could wear dresses almost exclusively. That and the belly band got me through. I hope they will this time, too.

Oh, and thanks for the encouragement on Operation Independent Play. I needed it.

Michelle said...

Very funny. I hated maternity pants and just took to buying/wearing dresses. I would rather accept looking like a walking tent than risk my pants falling down.

bessieviola said...

Can't stop laughing. Stupid maternity pants - I thought only I felt this way!

Shelly said...

GORGEOUS photo! And yeah, ditto the maternity pants experience.

Swistle said...

YESSSSSSSS. My best pregnancy, clothes-wise, was my first, which was long enough ago that OVERALLS were in fashion. Seriously, every single one of us in the birthing class wore overalls. With a snug shirt, we looked quite cute. Two years later, overalls were out and I had no idea what to do about Teh Pants. (Answer: hitch them up all the goldanged day.)

Astarte said...

Maternity pants never fit me. I heart stretch pants.

Oh, look at her gorgeous smile. She is SO beautiful.

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