Naptime: A Choose Your Own Adventure.

You've made it through the morning. You finish the last book, ignore your daughter's mild, half-hearted requests for "more?" and lay her down in her crib. You close the door and turn on the monitor. It's now officially NAPTIME. (Party on. EXCELLENT.)

Do you immediately sit at your tempting, beckoning computer to read/write emails/blog posts(go to #1) or head to the kitchen to virtuously attack the dishes and begin to wrestle some order out of the toddler-created chaos that is your house (go to #2)?

1. Sitting down, you start by checking email, then your favorite blogs, then further down the list of favorite blogs. Then you rack your brain trying to remember who you thought to email something to that was drastically important but you were mid- diaper change/tantrum avoidance/general toddler wrangle and couldn't get to computer at the moment you thought about it. Then you google that thing you've been meaning to find out about (Does plastic leach out of tupperware even if you don't microwave it? And if so, what exactly does it "leach"?). Then you start your newest blog post. Then.... OH EFF, it's already been 45 minutes and you haven't showered, eaten lunch, cleaned up from the morning, made any phone calls or even let the dog out. Scrambling, you have to decide quickly... do you eat lunch (go to #3) or get in the shower (go to #4)?

2. You head into the kitchen and are quickly overwhelmed (perhaps just a few blogs before tackling the mess...? NO.). "Start small. Don't think about it too much. Put on music." you tell yourself, knowing that once you get started it'll all work out.
Pretty soon, the kitchen is cleaned up! and it's only been 10 minutes! YAY YOU. Now you can get in the shower and soon you'll be home free with the chores that you really NEED to get done. But wait... a new episode of "Rock of Love 2" your favorite show is on the DVR..... Do you head to the shower (go to #4) or head to the TV (go to #5)?

3. You sit down to lunch and try to ignore the mess in the living room. You start to eat and then think "this is awfully unproductive. I should be multitasking" and reach for the phone. Then you realize that chewing in people's ear (yes, EVEN your mother's ear) is actually more rude and annoying than trying to talk to them in the middle of having a tea party with your daughter. So you eat quickly and move on. Do you go watch some mindless TV while you clean up the living room (go to #5) or do you let the poor, sad eyed dog out to pee (go to #7)?

4. You're in the shower and as the warm water rushes over your closed eyes you think, for the millionth time, that this is the best part of the day, even if you are committing a major environmental sin by wasting water with every non-productive moment. You step out, lather on lotion and feel great knowing that you have taken good care of yourself. Then you get pissed that taking a freaking shower now qualifies as "taking good care of yourself".
While putting the lotion away, you realize that the bathroom cabinet, you know the one that you always shove stuff in rather than arrange neatly, is in SERIOUS need of attention. Do you resolve that it's now or never and set out to clean it (go to #6) or do you go do the other outrageous, "taking good care of yourself" activity known as eating your lunch (go to #3)?

5. Turning on the TV feels so.... dirty. There it is, in all its schlocky glory, your favorite show Rock of Love 2. Bret Michaels trying to find "love" amongst some crazy, I-don't-know-whether-their-lips-or-their-boobs-are-more-fake "ladies" is seriously good TV. You absent-mindedly pick up some toys, pick through your mail and get about half-way into the episode when you hear the telltale sounds from the monitor. "Ennnhhhh." "EEEEEENNNNNhhhhhh." Oh well, you'll have to wait till tonight to find out who wins the "talent" contest. Do you immediately head in to pick her up (go to #9) or linger reasonably close by, trying desperately to hold on to the last moments of freedom naptime (go to #8)?

6. You start by patting yourself on the back for tackling this necessary project. Pulling everything out of the cabinet, you wipe down the mysteriously sticky shelves
and organize the bottles and jars into piles on your bathroom floor. Just as you start chucking the expired medicinal flotsam and promised-it-would-make-my-hair-silky-but-really-made-it-slimy jetsam, you hear the first sound. "Eeehhhhhh. ehhhhHHHHHH."
(EFF.) SUCKA! You thought you had enough time and here you are, knee deep in your third tier personal care products, listening to the baby monitor with bated breath.
"EnnnHHHHH. EEEEEENhhhhhhhhhhhhh." You start shoving things back into the cabinet and force it closed.
Do you immediately head in to pick up the babe (go to #9) or linger reasonably close by, trying desperately to hold on to the last moments of freedom naptime (go to #8)?

7. You let your pup out to pee and as you close the door behind you, you realize a little too late that you closed it a bit too hard. You hold your breath and listen. "EEnnnnHHHHH." "ennnnnnHHHHHHHH." EFF. Not fair, NOT FAIR, you think and then check yourself. Take a deep breath. Do you go pick her up right away (go to #9) or take your sweet time, knowing that she's still probably half asleep and MIGHT even go back to sleep if you wait a bit (go to #8)?

8. You hang out close by, picking up strewn crayons and Little People (do real life little people take offense to the name of those toys??), hoping to hear her quiet back down.
No such luck. You open the door and hear "Uh OH!". Your daughter is standing up in her crib pointing down at the dolly, blanket and pacis lying on the floor. "Yeah", you say, "Uh OH. They must have jumped to their death." You pick her up, all warm and bedheaded from her nap and kiss her silky neck. "Hi Sweetheart. Did you have a good nap?"

"Yeth." she says and points out the door. Naptime is officially OVER.

9. You walk inside her room and immediately wonder if you made the right decision. She's still lying down (DOH!) and her eyes are closed. But the creaky floorboards under your feet alert her to your presence and she starts to stir some more. You walk over to her and say, innocently "Do you want to go back to sleep?" fully realizing the futility of the question. "NO." she says and reaches for you.

You pick her up and start the mental countdown. 22 hours until the next naptime.....


FYI: I'll be gone for a few days for a long weekend in Arizona. Hope to be back blogging later next week!


desperate housewife said...

I LOVED this post! My husband is always talking about those choose your own adventure books, which I somehow missed when I was a kid.

Anonymous said...

This is such a great post! Crappy ending, though. But I suppose that's not your fault!

Have fun on your trip.

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