Late in the game

Good god, is this huge orb really my belly? All the way out to THERE? Do I have any shirts left that cover it? Is it bigger than last time? Do I have any stretch marks? Hmmmm, I can't see, even with a mirror.

Is Lima Bean moving enough these days? I know I'm supposed to monitor her movement and I can't remember the last time she moved.

She's not moving.

Quick, down some OJ.

There, she's moving.

Is that enough movement? Should I write down how much she's moving??

Can't I just assume everything is okay? I can't handle keeping notes on how much she's moving, I'm too neurotic for that.

Wait, was that a contraction? Everything felt tight, well, TIGHTER, there for a moment. Maybe things are happening. Maybe I should go repack my bag. Or maybe it's not going to happen for another week. Or TWO.

Maybe I need a nap.

-------------

Oh Zoe. I love you so much and looking at these old pictures and movies of you just shakes me to my core. How were you ever that tiny? How were you ever inside my belly, just like this spazzy alien who's trying to carve it's way out through blunt force baby?

How will I ever love another baby like I love you?

How will you ever forgive me for ending your reign as an only child?

How will I juggle TWO little beings who need me so completely?

----------------------

I'm making sure to stay on top of the laundry and my hair removal.

I've washed and folded all the baby clothes.

My backseat is full of nothing but carseats.

My father in law has hung the room darkening shades in the guest room where LB and I will be staying for the first few months until we move to VA.

I'm reviewing the infant sleep books (and made small altars that LB is a good sleeper) and read a bunch about how to help Zoe through this rough time.



My in-laws are here to help UNTIL. Our doula is back from Africa. Our pediatrician is back from Easter vacation. We got through CG's birthday and Zoe's birthday party.

I guess you could say I'm.... what's that word... "ready"?

--------------------

I am selfish. Totally.

I like to read. I like to be alone. I like to exercise and watch cheesy TV and get lost in my own, silent thoughts. As it is now, I am able to do those things sometimes, maybe not as much as I'd like, but still, I manage.

Not working these last few weeks and having Zoe is school has been lovely. Time to craft. Time to read. Time to sleep. Time to nest.

Time to get used to lots of alone time for me before THERE IS NONE.

How will there be any time left for ME once Lima Bean is here?

How will I not lose my mind?

----------------------

Oh Zoe. You are being so difficult these days it breaks my heart a little. Your Nana and Papa are here to help and I know that you associate them with the baby coming and therefore want NOTHING to do with them but they love you and are here for you and GOOD GOD just let them help or at least answer their reasonable, helpful questions when they ask them.

You are fragile and easily upset and your dial seems permanently set to "WHINE", volume "HIGH". We are trying to be patient, to not take it personally, to stay calm and keep our boundaries but your testing of us, and your clinginess to me, is exhausting. We are all crammed into this little house, waiting for the other shoe to drop, all while sharing one bathroom.

This is not made more pleasant by your tantrums.

I wish I knew how to make this easier for you. I wish I knew how to help you feel more secure. I am trying to give you lots of play time with my FULL attention, to cuddle you when you are upset, to talk to you simply and clearly about all the things that are happening. But it seems to make no difference.

Could it be making it worse? Is my guilt seeping in already, spoiling you?

For now, your Daddy and I are just trying to hold the line: you may not whine and get what you want, you still have to follow the rules of the house, and, NO, you may not sleep in our bed.

But- come here. Let me hold you while you calm down. Let's take some deep breaths together.

-------------------

I have presents for you, Zoe. They will be in a basket, one that we pull out when I'm nursing Lima Bean. Hopefully these will help us get through some of the early weeks of long nursing sessions when I won't be as available to you as you're used to.

I will try to include you in as much of her care as I can since you keep talking about how you're going to help change her, burp her, feed her. I promise to let you hold her, even though I will be nervous about it.

I will make sure that I put her down when I can and attend to only you.

I will do my best with this.

I don't know what I'm doing, but I know we'll all get through this together.