I just read this post over at a blog that inspires me, brightens my day and, well, makes me feel inferior ALL THE TIME. Her crafty talent, positive outlook and flat out beautiful (appearing) life all have made me wonder from time to time if she's real. A real person, with real kids? FOUR OF THEM? Clearly she never has a bad day or a messy house or a pissy toddler. Or a moment when she wants to lock herself in the bathroom.

The reality, of course, is that she does and she has. As she says in that post, she just chooses not to write about it.

The last few days in our Clueless But Hopeful home have been extremely trying. Suffice it to say that Zoe may not be handling the impending birth of baby sister and the upheaval in our house as well as we thought. Plus, she's got an ear infection. And pinkeye (for the BILLIONTH time).

It's all added up, I guess. She's been lashing out at me in many ways. It hurts my feelings. And makes me furious. And her actions coupled with my reactions make me feel like a failure.

And.....I just don't want to write any more about it.

Because maybe I shouldn't write about the negatives so much. Maybe I should take more pretty pictures (of the walls since the floors are not exactly lovely right now. What I said about how nice it was keeping the house clean for showings? Well, let's just say we should be thankful no one wants a showing of our house right now because having to clean up this mess - made in only three days!-in a jiffy would just about put me over the edge.). Maybe I should write more of the snapshots of beauty here and there.

Like today! When Zoe actually followed directions and was allowed to play on the crazy sculpture/bench next to the parking lot and pretended to feed me ice cream and then followed directions again and "earned" a lollipop at Trader Joe's and said "When baby sister comes, can I give her a lollipop and pretend to feed her ice cream? Just pretend. Babies can't eat ice cream." My heart was warmed. I gazed at her adoringly and gave her soft sweet cheek a kiss. I felt buoyed by pride and noticed how glorious the color of her hair is.

I should focus on that, right? Why does the parking lot four-alarm meltdown, which involved her LICKING THE PAVEMENT, not two minutes later stand out more to me? Is there a trick to being able to move on and get past the negative moments?

I need to learn that trick. I don't want to only write the good stuff. Sometimes it feels like writing about the hard parts of motherhood helps me work through them and let them go. But other times I wonder if figuring out the right way to write about them makes me stew in them too much.

I am a stewer. I have to keep tabs on my stewing. And working on focusing on the positives wouldn't hurt either.


Astarte said...

She has pink eye AND an ear infection??! AK! I hope you don't end up with pink eye, that stuff sucks. I get it every time it walks through the door, I swear.

I'm sorry, but the thought of her tantruming so much that she licked the pavement is really, really funny. That's why you have to tell us all the bad stuff. We have bad stuff, too, and other people's bad stuff makes us not think so badly about our own. Plus, also, it's funny, simply because we know how awful it is. I mean, licking the PAVEMENT?! Hahahahahaha!!!

Anonymous said...

Looking back at the past day/week, what I remember is the bad stuff. But looking back on the past few years, what I remember is the good stuff.

Hillary said...

Oh, I'm confused.

I came here to say: Yes! We should all be more positive. Negativity breeds negativity. I shouldn't fume and rant.

But then I read Astarte's comment and she makes a great point. It helps to know someone else is going through these things. We're not whining; we're commiserating.

So, what? Moderation in all things?

Whatever -- yay for lollipops!

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Astarte: re: licking of pavement: (how many colons can I use in one "sentence"??) I know, right? She does it now because she knows it upsets me. She's found my germaphobe button and LOVES to push it.

Which I guess means I'm supposed to just ignore it but I'm incapable of ignoring such disgustingness.

MBM: So well said. I agree.

Hillary: I'm not sure where the whining/commiserating line is. Feel free to let me know when I cross it!

And yes, lollipops cure all. I should have gotten myself one.

Michelle said...

I think if we can laugh at the licking of the pavement incidents, which by the way is hilarious only because it hasn't happened to me yet, and celebrate the joys we will eventually find a balance.
It's nice to see that other mothers have bad days so I don't feel like the worst mother in the world when my child cries continuously and I have no idea why. I feel like we are just being honest.
But I do try to celebrate the smiles and the milestones that allow us to endure (and eventually chuckle at) the licking of the pavement incidents.

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