Inside, looking out
So. I haven't heard back from the mom I emailed on Friday. Because, OF COURSE NOT.
It's all sorts of sad and predictable and YES I talked about it in therapy with a new therapist on Saturday. As pathetic as it seems, when the therapist asked me what I hoped to accomplish in therapy, I looked right at her and said "I'd like to talk to a grown up, in person, other than my husband."
That's pretty much what I've resorted to: paying someone to have an in person conversation with me.
Listen, I have good friends. Really, I do. It's just that they don't live HERE. Plus, they have jobs and families and there are time zones and I hate the phone and, well, it just doesn't work out for me to talk to them very often. I need friends who live here, who I could actually see in person from time to time. I'd like to get a pedicure, go to a chick flick, exchange favorite books, ET-girlie-CETERA with someone local.
And it just so happens that we moved to a small town. A small, apparently conservative, apparently religious town. And I'm not conservative or religious. So I go to mom's groups and try to simultaneously be open minded about being friends with someone who doesn't think exactly like me while also trying to slyly scope out who might be of the more liberal, humanistic persuasion.
Anyone for a Democratic rally that meets on Sunday mornings?
I've made several efforts to reach out to various nice moms I've met. But it takes ENORMOUS effort on my part to pick up the phone or write the email and invite someone for a playdate. And when I'm rebuffed? It takes another month for me to muster the energy/confidence/gumption to try again.
CG keeps reminding me not to take things personally. When someone doesn't call back, maybe they're busy? Or sick? Or didn't get the message for some reason? When someone doesn't email back, maybe she did see it? Maybe it got sent to a spam folder?
Or maybe, she's just not that interested. Which is also fine, I can't expect that the first person -or first FOUR people, AHEM- I meet and reach out to will be my long lost best friend. But I can only do this so many times before I start thinking that there must be something HUGELY wrong with me that everyone can see.
I know that this time of year is the worst for meeting people. There are no low-key playgound chats. There are no easy, low pressure Hey we're going to the outdoor music festival? Want to join us? type invitations. I know that spring will bring everyone outside and increase the chances for natural interactions. We're heading to the pool? Maybe we'll see you there? Hey, we're grilling tonight and would love to have you and your family join us for some carcinogenic burgers and non-political, non-religious conversation, if you're free?! See? I'm practicing it in my mirror already. NOW WITH NATURAL FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.
I just hope that all this hibernating with my little ones won't leave me completely devoid of all social skills. I didn't have many to spare to begin with.