6/8/08

Inviting one to stay.

When I was watching The Sex and The City movie last weekend, I realized that I am totally Charlotte: a clueless, idealistic nutjob. In the movie, Charlotte freaks out with fear and worry about her pregnancy because her life is so great and so full and no one gets to have everything they want, so surely something will go wrong any minute now.

This was so me when I was pregnant. And a lot of the time since then.

I've always thought that if I could worry long and hard enough, I could somehow prevent bad things from happening. And if things are going well, well someday soon I'll look back on this time as the time BEFORE (fill the HORRIBLE blank).

(This is totally effed up. I KNOW.)

When I started this blog, I was a relatively new mother and the fear and worry and TERROR that would wash over me on a regular basis sometimes made it hard to take the next breath. I chose the moniker Clueless But Hopeful Mama because I was seriously clueless and trying oh so very hard to be hopeful. It is still a struggle every day to stay in a hopeful place as a mother, and as a human being, but I truly believe that Maya Angelou quote I posted over there-->>>.

"Hope and fear cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Invite one to stay. "

This past week my hopeful self has been majorly tested. A dear friend's husband was in a car accident and lies in an ICU on the other side of the country. He has suffered a brain injury, the depth and seriousness of which is still unclear. He is a truly graceful human being, the kind of guy who allowed me to take a yoga class last summer by staying home with my napping daughter. Except she woke up. With a leaky poopy diaper. When I came home, there she was, clean diaper on (backwards but who cares?), happily playing with her new friend. Zoe took to him quickly at a time when she didn't take to ANYONE quickly. Even she knew there was just something sunny and amazing about this person.

That something freakishly terrible like this could happen, to someone wonderful, someone I know and love, just totally sucks and brings my old friend FEAR rushing back into my brain.

And every day I beat it back with HOPE. I know that fear will not protect me. Worry will not help him. Hope is what everyone who knows and loves this man must hold on to right now. We owe him that much.

6 comments:

Marie Green said...

Well, I struggle with the same line of thinking- and I think it's relitively normal for moms to feel this way. I look at these gorgous children, their sweet faces and perfect little bodies, then I look around my house, and my town, and it DOES feel like something terrible MUST be going to happen. I have everything I've ever wanted. When is my dream going to come to a shattering end?

Also, to love is to risk loosing. There is something so primal about loving your own child... *SHUDDER*

I will hold on to hope for your friend too. How scary and sad. But you are right- there is still hope. My husband's dad had a serious head injury from a car accident- he was in a coma for a month!- and he's here to tell about it. Your friend will too. =)

My Buddy Mimi said...

I feel so very protective of my daughter, and I always struggle with how someone could possibly hurt a child.

I will keep your friend in my thoughts.

miyoko said...

Yep, you know me, always worrying, fearing and just pushing through realizing that the only way to get through this life is to push on through it and try to make it as fun and love filled as possible. But ohhhhhh that fear and protectiveness it's a powerful powerful thing, that keeps reminding us to cherish those we love because life is sooo darn uncontrollable (darn it!). Now with a kid--- oh that fear actually gives me goosebumps and often makes my stomach plummet with every fall, trip, stumble and horrifying thought.

i hope for all the best for your friend.

Mommy Daisy said...

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about this accident that your friend was involved in. I hope that he is better soon. I will be praying for him.

Kate said...

I struggle with those fears, too. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, and will keep hoping for him.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Thanks to you all for your support. It means a lot.

My friend is getting better, bit by bit, every day. He is finally out of the ICU and hopefully on his way to being able to change many more of Zoe's poopy diapers.

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